Hypnobirth/Fears

Back to the surrogate pregnancy:
We started taking hypnobirthing classes. Although, Alice, my Baby Mamma, is open to and planning on having an epidural, she wanted to have tools to make the birth more amazing than ever. We are on our second week, and so far, it is phenomenal. Alice is excited to have the birth go so well. She is such a mellow, relaxed person anyway, that I don’t think she will have any problem pulling it off. Her husband, Dan, and I are loving that we will be able to know how to be there for her and support her.

On the other hand, it has brought up alot of shit for me to look at. All the old stories that I’ve tried so hard to get over and move on. Why can’t I experience something so amazing?, I’m such a defect. I have always wanted to experience a natural birth, and have my healthy, perfect baby be put skin to skin right after it’s born. To be able to lay with my baby in bed for 2 weeks, and just enjoy him as if nothing else matters in the world.

I keep wondering what I’m doing at the class. I feel so out of place. Two perfect couples,… and me……I had to remind myself that I was there for my surrogate mother and my baby.

It is sometimes so hard to think that it’s MY baby in there. I haven’t been able to talk to my baby, and some part of it still feels so awkward. It is ripping me apart inside to know that I don’t have the connection with this baby, that I had with Destynee. I am so afraid that he won’t know who his mommy is, or that he will be confused when he comes out, like maybe he’s being torn from who he thought was his mom, and put in the arms of a total stranger…

As the teacher talked about the importance of connecting to the baby at this stage, the fear became bigger and bigger. Without knowing how I was feeling, Dan looked at me and said, “I already had a talk with your baby, and he knows what’s up.” I wanted to cry, and am eternally grateful that I have such perfect support. Dan and Alice both are so in tune with me, and somehow always know exactly what to do or say to give me what I need.

The more we talk about the birth, the more I imagine that I may actually be able to experience second-hand thru Alice (a vaginal birth) and with my baby (skin-to-skin), some of what I missed out on with Destynee. Not to mention, the two weeks of bliss in bed WITH my baby. And nothing else will matter.

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Fears/Dreams

I had a dream the other day:

I heard through the grapevine that Alice was having problems and was up at the hospital. It had been about four hours before I heard anything. I didn’t know what problems she was having, or if the baby was even alive. I remember feeling scarred and upset that she didn’t tell me, and confused because it somehow didn’t feel like my business.
It took me forever to find out where she was, and what was really going on. At this point in the dream, I didn’t know any details. I felt like I was panicking and running around, but not getting anywhere. (That seriously was most of the dream; you know, the dream that never ends).
All of a sudden, I was up at the hospital, and I had the baby in my belly. The doctors said I needed to carry it until Alice could get better. They said that I would only be able to handle carrying him for a week or two because of my heart. Alice was upset and disappointed that she had failed me. I reassured her that it was okay and actually a blessing because I got to experience carrying the baby for awhile. We were there for each other and comforting each other. I remember feeling him move and kick alot. It was amazing!

At first, I didn’t think much of the dream. After talking about it, I realized that all my fears were jam-packed in a long, confusing dream. Part of me, wants to stay out of her life/business. I have to remind myself that this part of her life is my life and business, at least for now. I am also very afraid of missing the birth and not being there for Alice and my baby. Obviously I long to carry and feel the baby inside me, so if it’s thru a dream that I get to experience it, then bring it on!

All the little things that have been different or weird about this pregnancy, played out in the dream. Interesting….

Astronomical Costs!!!/Starting AGAIN

The year came and went. Here we were in 2010, the beginning of another year. And starting into another cycle.

January 6th, Alice and I stopped birth control. PHEW!!!! And a few days later, we both started back on our fertility injections.

Each time we started the invitro-surrogate process over with a new cycle, we had to front $3,000 for medications, and $1,500 for labs. We were now $38,000 into it. Only $13,000 more than we planned on….Good shit! And none of it guaranteed a baby!!! If we didn’t get pregnant, we wouldn’t get any of the money back, either. WOW!!!

This amount did not include the three insurance policies/premiums ($250 a month) that we had been paying for our surrogate mother since June 2009.

I felt like we were in way over our heads, and it seemed to sneak up on us. I felt scared to make to next move, for fear of losing EVERYTHING!!!

The Conclusion Around Experience with Destynee’s Pregnancy

18 Months So innocent!
2 Years Old What a DOLL!

As the months went by, I became more and more at peace with what life had to offer me. Of course, I had my bad days, but they became more rare and with less intensity each time. I stopped living in the past and future, and started living right here in the present! My heart is full of tremendous happiness with my more than amazing husband, Gordon, and my piece of heaven on earth, Destynee Noel. She has and will continue to teach me all that I need to learn from her. I believe our children have much more to teach us then we could ever imagine teaching them. We just need to listen and be willing to learn from them.
2 1/2 Years Old Destynee & Mommy!
3 Years Old The Love of Our Lives!!!

Ah-ha Moment/A Refreshing Ray of Light

I have a few friends and family that were able to help me realize some very important concepts for me to accept my new life and how to make the best of it.

I had one of those ah-ha moments, that gave me access to the key that could unlock all the possibilities of my new life. I realized all the miracles I was missing. I would like to share how it came about.
Destynee was about nine months old, and had an eye infection that wouldn’t go away. I had her on antibiotics, and changed her pillowcase everyday. I thought that maybe the cause wasn’t being addressed, so I decided to look at the emotional aspect of it. I was discussing it with my Aunt Bonnie. She told me that a bacterial eye infection represented fear of not wanting to look at something.
As I explained my struggle to fully accept Destynee being my only child, she intuitively suggested to me, that my longing for a “baby”, while I already had a baby, confused Destynee. I was continually focused on how to get my next baby, which made her wonder why (or fear that) she wasn’t good enough. She WAS my baby!!!

It broke my heart, when I realized the impact my struggle had on her…..

Aunt Bonnie saying that to me, was like a lightning bolt zapping my brain back to normal….It pulled me out of the gray funk I had been in since my daughter was born….It felt like the last missing piece to my puzzle. It was the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment, and I was ready to hear it.

I realized that I had been missing Destynee’s life and everything that came with it. I was missing all the joys of being a mother, the innocence of my miracle baby, the experience of everything I had been waiting for…I wanted desperately to take back those nine months and do it over again.

For once, I was able to focus on the positive side. I didn’t want to dwell on the past and how I hadn’t been there for her. I had been experiencing that for way too long.

As I looked down at my beautiful daughter, who was teaching me so much and waiting so patiently for me to get it, I was overcome by the pure Love of Christ…. I saw the possibilities of how I was NOW going to enjoy life with my baby. If she was my only child, then I was going to make it a damn good experience for both of us. I felt like a new mother…Like now I knew what I was doing and how I wanted it to look.

From that moment on, I focused on what I had and how grateful I was for it. I was literally able to remove the idea of having more children from my mind. That obsession would haunt me no longer…….PHEWWWWW!