The Embryo Transfer!!!/We made it!!!

(I knew that there was still a chance that none of the embryos would attach and survive, and that if they didn’t, the 7 month long, excruciating process and 40k would be lost…..)

The room we were in had a big screen TV in it, and in the next room were our little want-to-be-babies. The tech magnified what was going on in the next room, and they had it up on the screen so we could see. As he syringed each embryo up, along with the fluid they were in, I had butterflies throughout my body and wanted to scream with excitement!!! Calmly, I watch as he brought them into the doctor, and the doctor transferred my three little embryos to the warm, loving environment that had been carefully prepared just for them, our surrogate mother’s uterus.

We had finally made it to this point, and now had a two-week wait to anticipate whether we would get to continue on this miraculous journey.

Two or Three???

God had assisted us up to this point, and we knew that it would take a greater power to take over the process from here. I wanted to implant three embryos, so that our chances of having at least one baby survive would be more likely. Putting in three embryos, didn’t mean that three would take. We were planning on implanting two, and planning for two babies surviving. I was afraid with three that I wouldn’t be able to be there for the babies like I wanted to. And even more scared that I couldn’t physically take care of three babies.

I also knew that I would willingly and ecsatically accept one, two, or three beautiful babies with a smile on my face, and that God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. If all three did attach and survive, we were all four willing to do what it took for their safety.

The four of us discussed, and Dan and Alice assured me with details of scenarios, of what could happen, and what they would be willing to do if each happened. Dan jokingly said, “If you guyz have three, you can just give us one!”

A peace came over the room and over Alice, Dan, & me. I started becoming more clear, and felt like God was guiding us all. We had made a decision and I felt good and at peace with it.

WE CHOSE TO IMPLANT THREE LITTLE EMBRYOS!!!

Another Decision???/Dan To The Rescue!

January 25th, 2010 The Embryo Transfer!!!

Alice asked me if I wanted to be there during the embryo transfer. I was thrilled!!!

She obviously wanted her hubby there, so they met me at the clinic. There weren’t anymore decisions to be made, so Gordon went to work. I didn’t think I would need him, and he wouldn’t be in the room anyway………….Or so I thought…..

The doctors had been telling us throughout the 7 months of trying, that they would only implant two embryos at the most. We wanted twins and Alice was ready to carry twins, she’s an expert on that, hehe:)

When we got there, the doctor came in and told us that because the embryos were just barely below normal in quality, we had the choice to transfer three embryos…..What the heck! We had already discussed in detail our options and made the big decision, and now things felt out of control all over again. I called Gordon, but he seemed to be in the same overwhelming dilemma. He knew we were on the same page, so he trusted my decision….I didn’t want to make the decision:(
I felt numb…………. I didn’t want to deal with anything else.

So many risks and unknowns. Would three take? Would they be early or full-term? I had the experience of the NICU before, and just wanted to experience the normal, stay-at-home, in bed, enjoying my baby/babies for two weeks like everyone I had seen. I wanted to be able to actually hold my baby…
Would Alice have to go on bedrest, and not be there for her girls? Could my heart handle three, I didn’t want to take on more than I could handle and enjoy…………….

There was so much loudness in my head, I wanted to run away and cancel the whole thing. I had been on so many hormone drugs, I didn’t feel stable or sane at all. I really didn’t feel like I could make anymore decisions.

We sat in the small, dark room, waiting for an answer. I had a thousand swords flying my way. As I stared off in a blank, Dan and Alice started talking about it. They were wondering what the answer would be, and at the time same being very supportive.

Holding back the tears, I started telling them my concerns and fears, cuz it was again a decision all four of us needed to make. I couldn’t think straight and was mumbling. I couldn’t seem to comprehend anything…..

Dan stood up and very assertively encouraged us to discussed all the facts, details, risks, thoughts, and feelings of all four of us. He completely saved my ass. It was like the “Incredibles”, when Helena grabs elastigirl and says, “pull yourself together”, but in the most loving, caring, gentle way.

It was like he took all my confusion and made sense of it. Thank you, Dan!

Going Home/Freedom

I started doing better after about a week on antibiotics. I was able to start moving my bowels and didn’t have to have another surgery. (PHEWW!) I dropped about 20 lbs. of water weight in 4 days, and I could feel it. My heart and kidneys were getting stronger.

Women are usually in the hospital for 2-3 days for a normal c-section, I was in for 10 days. Although I still had a long recovery ahead of me, I was ecstatic to go home (actually, I went to stay with my mom for awhile). After 14 weeks on bedrest, and 2 1/2 months in the hospital, I was FREE!!!……I felt like shit, but I was FREE!

We had accumulated so much stuff over the 2 1/2 months in the hospital, that it took Gordon two full trips out and filled up our whole car.

Reality or Denial?

The first few days, I was pretty out of it. I remember waking up and telling Gordon, “the baby’s moving again, come feel”. I thought that I was still pregnant. When they would tell me I had the baby, I remember wondering where she was and why she wasn’t with me. Gordon would gently remind me that I already had her, that she was doing good, and he would show me pictures of her. I felt confused, like there were pieces of the puzzle missing?????

He was worried that I wasn’t dealing with the reality of what had happened.

The Traggic Loss/Hysterectomy

After about 8 hours, I was stable enough for Gordon to see me. He said he just sat by my side, watching me sleep. I woke up almost 16 hours later. I only remember bits and pieces of the next few days. Gordon, Dr. Draper, and my mom were standing around me. As Gordon grabbed my hand, I felt his warmness and strength. I remember thinking that he was going to have my baby there for me…..He waited until he could see that he had my full attention; I was in and out of it.

He looked deep into my eyes, and I could see the tragedy inside him. As he told me what had happened, I felt myself sink deep into an indescribable darkness. I wanted to go back to sleep, was very foggy, and hoped it was all a dream. I don’t remember showing much emotion, as I was numbed with pain.

Dr. Draper told Gordon he admired him for having the courage to tell me. He said that most men ask him to do it. Gordon said, he thought I might take it better from him. I could see that both of them wanted desperately to be there for me.

Placenta Incerta/Life Altering Decision

While Gordon was waiting for any news on either of his girls, Dr. Draper came out and told him that they had run into a big problem. After he opened me up and was going for the uterus, he saw what he thought looked like the placenta. He was in a hurry to get the baby out, so he quickly delivered our beautiful baby GIRL, Destynee Noel.

I immediately started hemorrhaging, so he didn’t have much time to assess what was going on. What he discovered, was placenta incerta. (Placenta Increta occurs when the placenta attaches deep into the uterine wall and penetrates into the uterine muscle). He knew what he had to do, but needed a specialist to assist him. While he waited for assistance, I continued to hemorrhage. The team working on me, gave me continuous blood transfusions, and Dr. Draper came out to talk to Gordon. Thank goodness I was out for all this.

Gordon talking: As I paced the floor, for what seemed like hours, I didn’t know if my girls were going to be okay. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. As soon as my mom got there, I literally fell apart. I felt completely out of control. I didn’t know what was going to happen….And I couldn’t do anything about it.
Dr. Draper came in, and told me that they would have to do an emergency hysterectomy. He told me what that would mean for my wife and my family. He made it very clear, that if we didn’t, Jessica would not make it…I gave him the okay……As thoughts flooded my mind, I wondered how I could break this tragic news to my precious wife. I knew that one of her dreams, was to have several children. She has always loved babies, and grew up with them her whole life.

Gordon in the Waiting Room/Daddy’s Experience

Gordon’s experience:
I called Grandpa Gary, Grandma Linda, Grandma Cathie, and Aunt Connie when everything was getting out of hand. The weather was so bad that night, that it took them hours to get down to the hospital. Mom got taken to the OR, and left me in the delivery room. I sat there alone, wondering if everything was going to be okay with you and mommy. Right when mom went to OR, they showed up; just in time. There was no telling what would happen.

I started feeling sick, that is when I first found out what anxiety felt like. I was breathing in a sack, started pewking, and I wanted to pass out……..I was scared that it might be the last time I saw my wife, and didn’t know if I would get to meet my baby.

We all went down to get something to eat but I couldn’t eat, sleep, or drink. We went back to the waiting room and said a prayer with Grandpa.

The whole time the nurses would come in every hour to tell me how things were going. The first time they came in they said that you were born, but were very unstable. About an hour later, they came in and said that you were looking better, but they didn’t know if mom would make it……. The night turned into morning, and that was when they came in and told me that you both made it, but it was going to be a long recovery. From the time they took mom in for the c-section, it was about 8 hours before I got to see either one of you.

Dr. Draper came to talk to me and tell me everything that had happened and how much you and mom went through. That is when he told me, you would be our only birth. He asked me if I wanted to tell mom what happened. He told me he would if I didn’t want to. I told him I wanted to be the one, but that I wanted him there with me.

Doctors & Decisions/Risks Too High

As the labor progressed, the pain was unbearable, and I was losing ground. I asked for MY OB, Dr. Draper,to be called in. The doctor there told us that it was the middle of the night, one of the worst snow storms, and that he wouldn’t come in. I told them that, if they didn’t page him, I would…….. The doctor came back in and said, “he must really think you’re special, cuz he’s on his way”. It felt so good to be assertive and I knew that he needed to be there. I needed someone I could trust.

The anesthesiologist finally came in and tried 3 different times to get the epidural in. I have scoliosis, and he kept hitting a nerve that shot sharp pain down each of my legs, causing them to go numb. I was having a very hard time holding still, and was in so much pain. I thought he was going to paralyze me…. I was so scared:(

Dr. Draper showed up while the anesthesiologist was still trying. He finally got it in the right spot, but before any medications were administered, my OB wanted to check to see how far I was dilated. We spent alot of time with him during the pregnancy, and he knew how much it meant to us to do everything we could to have it vaginally. I wanted it so badly and he knew it. I wanted to be awake for my baby, and know everything was fine.

He quickly assessed everything and knew it would be too dangerous for baby and mom. Gordon was under a lot of stress & pressure, and felt like he was out of control and there was nothing he could do for me. He called his mom, my parents, and my sister Connie, to let them know what was going on. Because of the snow storm, it took them hours to arrive. Gordon badly needed their support.

I was still only dilated to a 3, sepsis was setting in, and I had maternal heart disease. The baby kept having decels and tachycardia, and was not doing well at all……. He dreadingly told us that we could not wait any longer, and would have to do an emergency c-section. I trusted my OB and I could feel it was the right thing to do.

Because I would have to be put completely out, be intubated, and have a camera (transesophegeal echo) down my throat to monitor my heart, my husband, my biggest support, couldn’t be in the room at all. It was very hard for both of us…… I felt like I failed……

We said our goodbyes and off I went…..

Pre-term Labor/Infection

The cramping continued, and I wasn’t feeling very good at all. By now I was feeling very fluey. I almost wasn’t sure how I was feeling or what was happening. I only knew I didn’t like it, and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want this to be happening. I was in complete denial.

Gordon could see that something was wrong, and said, “why don’t we have them check the baby again”. The nurse was just here an hour ago, and everything was fine. Concerningly he said, “We are at the hospital to get the help, just call them in to see.”

We called the nurse and they came right away. They had told us earlier that every time I called, they came right away because I rarely called and they knew it was important.

The baby’s heart rate had increased above 200 bpm, and my temperature was up noticeably. Within minutes the staff was running around, I was being rushed to Labor & Delivery, and Gordon was grabbing last-minute things and trying to keep up.

From there I was transferred to a very hard bed. At first I thought the bed was a mistake, it felt like a was lying on cement…. Nope it was for real. Here came the IV’s, nurses, doctors, and anesthesiologist.

It was utter chaos. The infection was so bad, I starting feeling confused and very sick. The doctor said I had sepsis. I felt completely out of it, and couldn’t communicate to get any help. Gordon was trying to help but didn’t have any idea what to do. The contractions didn’t seem to break at all. Occasionally they would ease up a little, long enough for me to breathe. I was waiting for the epidural, and there were 2 other emergencies besides me that night. It seemed like I was waiting forever, and every minute things were getting worse.