Dreams/Seeing Through To My Baby

Baby mamma had a dream the other day. She said she could see through her belly and see my baby. She could see his fingers, toes, and all the details of his cute little face! He had lots of dark, black hair, and she said he was smiling, almost looked like a giggle. So damn cute!!!

Of course he was smiling, he’s so content to just keep hanging out in this blissful, warm, safe, loving environment. Who can blame him?

Alice said the dream reminded her of an Anne Geddes’ picture, and she gave me a great idea for one. She wants me to find some cute see-thru material, and put my baby under, folded up, as if he were in my belly. That is, if he ever gets here. 🙂

If I can’t actually be pregnant, why not pretend?

Running out of Time, Wahoo!

There is so dang much going on right now, and I’m running out of time. WAHOO!!!

I never thought I would say that. It seemed like we would never get to this point. The surrogate process and the first of the pregnancy took FOREVER…….

We have three weeks left, before we get to meet our miraculous stud, “Gordon Metallic“!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Destynee has been asking where Tal will sleep and where he’s going to sit in the car. She came to me and said, “Mom, I want to give Tal my bed, and I’ll just sleep with you”. And with that, she crawled up by me, and there she stayed the entire night.

I asked her if she would help me organize her dresser, and if Tal could have two of her drawers. She is so generous, but she did have one request, “But mom, can I share one of the drawers WITH him?”
She is so damn cute, I can hardly stand it!!! She is so ready for a sibling!

We’ve been making baby blankets, and rearranging stuff so we can fit all the fun equipment that comes with a new baby into our tiny space. It’s been so much fun. It’s like Christmas times a million, and then even way funner than that!!

First Surrogate Pregnant Family Pictures

Mommy & Gordon Metallic

We Love Our Little Brother

Our Expecting Addition to Our Family & Our Wonderful Baby Mamma!

At our sibling retreat, I got my sister, Stacey, to take some family pictures of us. They turned out so cute, and of course, we had to add humor in the mix.
Dan and Alice Comparing Bellys


I had a dream the other day:

I heard through the grapevine that Alice was having problems and was up at the hospital. It had been about four hours before I heard anything. I didn’t know what problems she was having, or if the baby was even alive. I remember feeling scarred and upset that she didn’t tell me, and confused because it somehow didn’t feel like my business.
It took me forever to find out where she was, and what was really going on. At this point in the dream, I didn’t know any details. I felt like I was panicking and running around, but not getting anywhere. (That seriously was most of the dream; you know, the dream that never ends).
All of a sudden, I was up at the hospital, and I had the baby in my belly. The doctors said I needed to carry it until Alice could get better. They said that I would only be able to handle carrying him for a week or two because of my heart. Alice was upset and disappointed that she had failed me. I reassured her that it was okay and actually a blessing because I got to experience carrying the baby for awhile. We were there for each other and comforting each other. I remember feeling him move and kick alot. It was amazing!

At first, I didn’t think much of the dream. After talking about it, I realized that all my fears were jam-packed in a long, confusing dream. Part of me, wants to stay out of her life/business. I have to remind myself that this part of her life is my life and business, at least for now. I am also very afraid of missing the birth and not being there for Alice and my baby. Obviously I long to carry and feel the baby inside me, so if it’s thru a dream that I get to experience it, then bring it on!

All the little things that have been different or weird about this pregnancy, played out in the dream. Interesting….

Dreams Do Come True

After we found out that we were pregnant, but before we knew how many babies there were, my little nephew, Xavier told me about a dream he had. He was very hesitant to tell me, because he didn’t want anything to upset me. He didn’t know if I wanted a boy, or if I would be disappointed that there was only one baby. After talking to his mom, he decided that he was very excited to tell me.

His Dream: Xavier was walking down the hall, and heard laughing in the bedroom. He followed the sound, and found me and Destynee on the bed playing with a baby boy. We were talking to the baby, and making him laugh. Just then, Gordon came in the room. Xavier said he remembered feeling very happy for us, because now Destynee had a little brother and he would have another boy to play with. He was standing in the door way, unsure if he should come in or not, but was enjoying just watching us.

Well, he was right. There is only one, and it is a boy!!!

Smiles For Everyone!!!

I can’t stop smiling!!!

I feel like this experience is becoming more of a reality for me. I have felt a much stronger connection to my baby the last few days. I don’t know if it’s because I know that it’s a boy, or if it’s because I am slowly able to feel the baby. I haven’t felt him move yet, but just having my hands on her sweet belly, gives me a sense that it’s mine. I don’t quite know how to explain it. When a woman is pregnant, and someone they’re comfortable with, feels their belly, it’s like their belly is the baby. It is no longer a part of their body, and it’s not invasive to rub the shit out of it.

Well, I had a sneak peek of experiencing that for the first time. When we were at the ultrasound, waiting for the doctor, she asked me if I wanted to feel the baby. I put my hand on her belly, the baby didn’t move but I felt a sense of comfort and connection…like I could be with my baby.

I feel like I can now hold my baby without feeling like I am invading her privacy. She is so amazing that way. She openly encourages me to feel the baby, and caress her belly……my baby. She is allowing me to experience this pregnancy in it’s deepest intimacy.

Baby Mamma’s Dream…

Last night I had the most amazing dream ever. In my dream I had my hand on my stomach and could feel the baby moving and rolling around alot so I went to sit by Jessica and told her to feel it, I was loving it cuz she hasn’t felt the baby yet. Well, to our dismay the baby stopped right when she put her hand on my stomach, what a disapointment to us both. We both went back to watching our movie and the baby started up again so without talking I grabbed her hand and put it on my stomach. The baby just kept on moving all over the place. The look on Jessica’s face was absolutely priceless. She gave me the biggest, longest hug ever and I felt like we were both going to cry.

Baby Mama

Destynee’s Excitement!!!

One morning, Destynee came running in telling everybody, “Me and my mom are going to have a baby!, My dad’s going to have a baby too. It’s going to poop and pee, and me and my mom get to change HER diaper.”

Destynee has gone to both ultrasounds with us, and we’ve talked to her about being a big sister. She is very excited, and always asks to see and hold the picture of the baby. She has always been very gentle, loving, and always asks to hold all her little baby cousins. She plays with her babies, sings to them, rocks them, and tells them, “it’s ok, I’m here for you”. It’s so adorable! I know she will be a tremendous help when our baby arrives.

I hadn’t talked to her about it for awhile, which is why I was surprised to hear what she had to say, right out of the blue. I wonder if she had a dream, or maybe met the baby’s spirit, the night before.

I’m so excited to be a part of giving her the gift of family! My siblings have been such a significant support in my life, and I want her to have that opportunity.

Unpleasant Dreams:(

So I had a dream the other night. I usually dream fuzzy dreams. You know, not very clear.

Out of the blue, I was holding a teeny baby boy, maybe like 1-2 pounds. I remember thinking that I was pretty sure that the baby wouldn’t make it. Gordon and I tried to keep him warm, but he was getting colder every second. We couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not…
All of a sudden, he turned blotchy purple and blue, and started struggling to breathe. I held him up to my neck. Through some kind of unspoken communication, told me that I needed to let him go, that I would have another one, and it would be ok.

Yet another opportunity to let go of control, and practice faith. Maybe the dream meant that I needed to let go of fear, and scarcity….
We all live with and are somewhat controlled by fear, right??? Any thoughts?

Making Sense of It All

Now that we were pregnant, I felt myself relax a little. I was able to breathe, and take the much-needed break.

So much of being pregnant didn’t seem like a reality. I found myself wondering was it real? Or was it all a dream?……There was nothing for me to do, and it felt like the process was over.
Our surrogate mother obviously wasn’t around us all the time, and when I was not with her, I easily forgot what was going on, the reality of it… I wanted to follow her around like a lost puppy…

Strangely, my mind played tricks on me………….What part of all this made sense?… Not much when I thought about it……..Pregnancy thru surrogacy wasn’t something that I had ever experienced or personally known anybody to experience before. We were feeling our way through a completely unknown experience.

I continued to try to connect with my baby/babies. And continued to struggle…..I finally decided to stop judging myself for how I thought I was supposed to think, feel, or connect to this experience, and that maybe it was okay that I was feeling so awkward. I gave it the possibility that it wouldn’t make or break my relationship with my baby/babies. That they would understand and know that I loved them anyway 🙂

I was barely able to get off all the hormone medications three weeks after the egg retrieval, and I could feel that they would take a while to get out of my body completely. My heart still wasn’t doing well, and the crazys still had their time with me, but it didn’t feel as intense.

I focused on reviving myself and strengthening my heart… I felt better about the whole thing…….At least for moments at a time…