Doctors & Decisions/Risks Too High

As the labor progressed, the pain was unbearable, and I was losing ground. I asked for MY OB, Dr. Draper,to be called in. The doctor there told us that it was the middle of the night, one of the worst snow storms, and that he wouldn’t come in. I told them that, if they didn’t page him, I would…….. The doctor came back in and said, “he must really think you’re special, cuz he’s on his way”. It felt so good to be assertive and I knew that he needed to be there. I needed someone I could trust.

The anesthesiologist finally came in and tried 3 different times to get the epidural in. I have scoliosis, and he kept hitting a nerve that shot sharp pain down each of my legs, causing them to go numb. I was having a very hard time holding still, and was in so much pain. I thought he was going to paralyze me…. I was so scared:(

Dr. Draper showed up while the anesthesiologist was still trying. He finally got it in the right spot, but before any medications were administered, my OB wanted to check to see how far I was dilated. We spent alot of time with him during the pregnancy, and he knew how much it meant to us to do everything we could to have it vaginally. I wanted it so badly and he knew it. I wanted to be awake for my baby, and know everything was fine.

He quickly assessed everything and knew it would be too dangerous for baby and mom. Gordon was under a lot of stress & pressure, and felt like he was out of control and there was nothing he could do for me. He called his mom, my parents, and my sister Connie, to let them know what was going on. Because of the snow storm, it took them hours to arrive. Gordon badly needed their support.

I was still only dilated to a 3, sepsis was setting in, and I had maternal heart disease. The baby kept having decels and tachycardia, and was not doing well at all……. He dreadingly told us that we could not wait any longer, and would have to do an emergency c-section. I trusted my OB and I could feel it was the right thing to do.

Because I would have to be put completely out, be intubated, and have a camera (transesophegeal echo) down my throat to monitor my heart, my husband, my biggest support, couldn’t be in the room at all. It was very hard for both of us…… I felt like I failed……

We said our goodbyes and off I went…..

Pre-term Labor/Infection

The cramping continued, and I wasn’t feeling very good at all. By now I was feeling very fluey. I almost wasn’t sure how I was feeling or what was happening. I only knew I didn’t like it, and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want this to be happening. I was in complete denial.

Gordon could see that something was wrong, and said, “why don’t we have them check the baby again”. The nurse was just here an hour ago, and everything was fine. Concerningly he said, “We are at the hospital to get the help, just call them in to see.”

We called the nurse and they came right away. They had told us earlier that every time I called, they came right away because I rarely called and they knew it was important.

The baby’s heart rate had increased above 200 bpm, and my temperature was up noticeably. Within minutes the staff was running around, I was being rushed to Labor & Delivery, and Gordon was grabbing last-minute things and trying to keep up.

From there I was transferred to a very hard bed. At first I thought the bed was a mistake, it felt like a was lying on cement…. Nope it was for real. Here came the IV’s, nurses, doctors, and anesthesiologist.

It was utter chaos. The infection was so bad, I starting feeling confused and very sick. The doctor said I had sepsis. I felt completely out of it, and couldn’t communicate to get any help. Gordon was trying to help but didn’t have any idea what to do. The contractions didn’t seem to break at all. Occasionally they would ease up a little, long enough for me to breathe. I was waiting for the epidural, and there were 2 other emergencies besides me that night. It seemed like I was waiting forever, and every minute things were getting worse.

Continued Cramping/32weeks

Nov 28th was one of those days, except the cramping continued to slowly grow in its intensity. Right after Gordon got to the hospital from work, the cramping became more uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like eating. I was use to cramping through the entire pregnancy, but I usually would just lose my appetite. This time, I was extremely nauseated. The pain started feeling very familiar, like my previous miscarriages.

We tried to relax and go to bed early to see if I could relax enough to stop the cramping. It seemed next to impossible with the staff coming in and out so much, for what seemed like unnecessary things. I started getting upset and scared. I didn’t know if the baby was ready. We were 2 days away from testing the baby’s lungs. I was extremely grateful that we had made it to 32 weeks, but was overcome with everything that could go wrong. I had worked so hard, and wanted the best for my baby.

I found myself being consumed by negative thoughts. I asked Gordon to talk about anything else, to keep my mind distracted. The cramping (or so I thought) seemed to ease up a little for a short while. I asked the nurse to come and check us early around 10:00 pm so we could get some sleep. I had told her that I was cramping, but nothing new. My vitals were normal, and baby’s heart rate was good.

Something inside me felt that there was something wrong…. I decided the “something wrong” was the pain getting to me. I tried to ignore the feeling and be tuff….I had to be strong for my baby.


I was still having mild cramping throughout my stay in the hospital. At first the doctors wanted to monitor us while I was cramping, but after the first few times, they decided it was not anything to be concerned about.

I would have a scary day and cramp about once a week, but could usually get it to stay mild and quiet with prayer and rest. I really learn how to take care of myself.

Finding Peace/Learning to Surrender

I had cramping off and on throughout those six weeks, sometimes worse than others. Each time, I would get my mind in a panic, that this was it, and feared we were losing the baby. I had to zone out from whatever was going on, and relax. I prayed every second that God would take it into His hands. I realized that all spirits coming down are God’s children, and we are just the caretakers in this relm. I had to consciously remain calm and keep the spirit of God with me.

I knew I had to be completely free of stress the entire pregnancy, to relax my body, and give the baby a very peaceful, loving environment. I did not want to be responsible for terminating the pregnancy.

It was truly a gift and taught me in a big hurry how to let things go, including the outcome of this pregnancy. That became my entire focus, and I refused to have anything to do with stress, period!….. WOW! What an experience.

Gordon really stepped up, and took on anything stressful. He seems to take life in stride, so there didn’t seem to be much of it. I think just having the intention of a stress-free environment, held the space for it. We were both committed to keeping it that way.