Fears/Dreams

I had a dream the other day:

I heard through the grapevine that Alice was having problems and was up at the hospital. It had been about four hours before I heard anything. I didn’t know what problems she was having, or if the baby was even alive. I remember feeling scarred and upset that she didn’t tell me, and confused because it somehow didn’t feel like my business.
It took me forever to find out where she was, and what was really going on. At this point in the dream, I didn’t know any details. I felt like I was panicking and running around, but not getting anywhere. (That seriously was most of the dream; you know, the dream that never ends).
All of a sudden, I was up at the hospital, and I had the baby in my belly. The doctors said I needed to carry it until Alice could get better. They said that I would only be able to handle carrying him for a week or two because of my heart. Alice was upset and disappointed that she had failed me. I reassured her that it was okay and actually a blessing because I got to experience carrying the baby for awhile. We were there for each other and comforting each other. I remember feeling him move and kick alot. It was amazing!

At first, I didn’t think much of the dream. After talking about it, I realized that all my fears were jam-packed in a long, confusing dream. Part of me, wants to stay out of her life/business. I have to remind myself that this part of her life is my life and business, at least for now. I am also very afraid of missing the birth and not being there for Alice and my baby. Obviously I long to carry and feel the baby inside me, so if it’s thru a dream that I get to experience it, then bring it on!

All the little things that have been different or weird about this pregnancy, played out in the dream. Interesting….

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Unpleasant Dreams:(

So I had a dream the other night. I usually dream fuzzy dreams. You know, not very clear.

Out of the blue, I was holding a teeny baby boy, maybe like 1-2 pounds. I remember thinking that I was pretty sure that the baby wouldn’t make it. Gordon and I tried to keep him warm, but he was getting colder every second. We couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not…
All of a sudden, he turned blotchy purple and blue, and started struggling to breathe. I held him up to my neck. Through some kind of unspoken communication, told me that I needed to let him go, that I would have another one, and it would be ok.

Yet another opportunity to let go of control, and practice faith. Maybe the dream meant that I needed to let go of fear, and scarcity….
We all live with and are somewhat controlled by fear, right??? Any thoughts?

Continued Cramping/32weeks

Nov 28th was one of those days, except the cramping continued to slowly grow in its intensity. Right after Gordon got to the hospital from work, the cramping became more uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like eating. I was use to cramping through the entire pregnancy, but I usually would just lose my appetite. This time, I was extremely nauseated. The pain started feeling very familiar, like my previous miscarriages.

We tried to relax and go to bed early to see if I could relax enough to stop the cramping. It seemed next to impossible with the staff coming in and out so much, for what seemed like unnecessary things. I started getting upset and scared. I didn’t know if the baby was ready. We were 2 days away from testing the baby’s lungs. I was extremely grateful that we had made it to 32 weeks, but was overcome with everything that could go wrong. I had worked so hard, and wanted the best for my baby.

I found myself being consumed by negative thoughts. I asked Gordon to talk about anything else, to keep my mind distracted. The cramping (or so I thought) seemed to ease up a little for a short while. I asked the nurse to come and check us early around 10:00 pm so we could get some sleep. I had told her that I was cramping, but nothing new. My vitals were normal, and baby’s heart rate was good.

Something inside me felt that there was something wrong…. I decided the “something wrong” was the pain getting to me. I tried to ignore the feeling and be tuff….I had to be strong for my baby.