Fears/Dreams

I had a dream the other day:

I heard through the grapevine that Alice was having problems and was up at the hospital. It had been about four hours before I heard anything. I didn’t know what problems she was having, or if the baby was even alive. I remember feeling scarred and upset that she didn’t tell me, and confused because it somehow didn’t feel like my business.
It took me forever to find out where she was, and what was really going on. At this point in the dream, I didn’t know any details. I felt like I was panicking and running around, but not getting anywhere. (That seriously was most of the dream; you know, the dream that never ends).
All of a sudden, I was up at the hospital, and I had the baby in my belly. The doctors said I needed to carry it until Alice could get better. They said that I would only be able to handle carrying him for a week or two because of my heart. Alice was upset and disappointed that she had failed me. I reassured her that it was okay and actually a blessing because I got to experience carrying the baby for awhile. We were there for each other and comforting each other. I remember feeling him move and kick alot. It was amazing!

At first, I didn’t think much of the dream. After talking about it, I realized that all my fears were jam-packed in a long, confusing dream. Part of me, wants to stay out of her life/business. I have to remind myself that this part of her life is my life and business, at least for now. I am also very afraid of missing the birth and not being there for Alice and my baby. Obviously I long to carry and feel the baby inside me, so if it’s thru a dream that I get to experience it, then bring it on!

All the little things that have been different or weird about this pregnancy, played out in the dream. Interesting….

The Traggic Loss/Hysterectomy

After about 8 hours, I was stable enough for Gordon to see me. He said he just sat by my side, watching me sleep. I woke up almost 16 hours later. I only remember bits and pieces of the next few days. Gordon, Dr. Draper, and my mom were standing around me. As Gordon grabbed my hand, I felt his warmness and strength. I remember thinking that he was going to have my baby there for me…..He waited until he could see that he had my full attention; I was in and out of it.

He looked deep into my eyes, and I could see the tragedy inside him. As he told me what had happened, I felt myself sink deep into an indescribable darkness. I wanted to go back to sleep, was very foggy, and hoped it was all a dream. I don’t remember showing much emotion, as I was numbed with pain.

Dr. Draper told Gordon he admired him for having the courage to tell me. He said that most men ask him to do it. Gordon said, he thought I might take it better from him. I could see that both of them wanted desperately to be there for me.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel/ The Reasuring Heart Beat

I bled off and on for about 3 months, and finally asked for a doctors note to get off work. I thought maybe, that mild bedrest would help the bleeding… It didn’t, but I some how felt better about it knowing that I was doing everything I knew how to do.

We got our 12 weeks ultrasound, and were overwhelmed with joy, hearing a heart beat and seeing every other part of a perfect little body. It seemed to be waving at us.

At about 14 weeks the bleeding seemed to lighten up, and finally stopped at 16 wks.
YAY!!!

I was mostly passed the horrible morning sickness (that really lasted all damn day), and felt really good about how things were going. I was finally able to enjoy being pregnant. What a gift!

Power Outage…You’ve got to be kiding me

One LONG night, the power happened to be out. Yep, you guessed it! I woke up feeling very wet, and hoping that I or better yet Gordon had peed the bed. Not so lucky… LOL

Blood was everywhere~I wonder to this day how I managed to function that night. Gordon was an angel to help me along, with a flashlight. He said it looked like a murder seine. I had taken some cayenne to stop the bleeding. It did seam to help, but I was pretty sure my throat was eating itself. Ouch!!! After we got everything under control, and we’re laying in bed, the damn lamp turned on…. Timing is everything, right?

Only clots came out that night… which gave us another glimpse of hope. We still didn’t know if anything was alive in there, but were working on our faith and hoping for the best.

The Beginning of Our First Miracle…Destynee

I decided to finish college before getting pregnant, so that having a baby could be my main focus. By the time we started trying, it had already felt like forever. I wanted a baby more than anything, ever since I was a little girl.

After 2 miscarriages and 1 1/2 yrs., we were finally going to have a baby!!! I was thrilled to be pregnant, and scared to death that I might lose this baby too….It was physically, emotionally, and mentally so hard to have already lost two.

So, pregnant for the third time, and had already started to bleed…. What the hell was wrong with me:(

The bleeding had increased, and a few times I woke up in puddles of blood and passed a few clots. My poor husband is too squeamish, so I went through the clots to make sure we had not lost the baby. What a horrible thing to have to do… But, when you’re in the middle of it, all of those [Oh my hell, what I’m I doing thoughts] seem to fade away.
My thought was, I hope I don’t find a baby in any of them. I didn’t know how I would take another loss.