Natural Birth or Epidural?

So, from the beginning of the pregnancy, Alice has been planning on getting an epidural. Nothing is set-in-stone, but we both want a great experience and are willing to do what it takes to get it. Since we have been going to the hypnobirth class, I could feel that Alice was leaning more towards a natural birth. I know her personality.

At first I didn’t want to talk to her about it, in hopes that I was either making stuff up in my head or that I could talk her into an epidural when it came down to it. As we learned more about hypnobirth and I accepted the fact that she is not me (HAHA), I realized, she would be amazing at it.

At our last class, I mentioned in a sort of question, that I could sense that she was focusing on and planning to have it natural if things could go that way. I looked at her, she smiled and said, “ya, definitely”. Deep down inside, I have always wanted to try a natural birth, so I can respect her wanting to experience that too. I’m so excited to be a part of it!!!

Advertisements

Planning the Birth/Communication

It seems like each hypnobirth class becomes easier. I don’t feel as awkward, and I feel like I’m in the right place. It’s only as awkward as you make it, right?

I feel more and more comfortable about how the birth is going to go. I think just being able to discuss what Alice and I, do and don’t want, has been extremely helpful. Until now, I have only had my crazy mind to assume how it’s going to go, what I’m going to do, how I can support her, and if she’s going to be okay.

Alice is easily able to go with the flow. I am a big communicator, and an even bigger planner. Lucky, she knows this about me, and is very willing to discuss and plan to my heart’s desire. If it’s something that she’s not sure about how she will feel or what she will need, she simply says, “I’m not sure, I will let you know when it comes up”. Living in the moment!, I am definitely learning a thing or two from her:)

Hypnobirth/Fears

Back to the surrogate pregnancy:
We started taking hypnobirthing classes. Although, Alice, my Baby Mamma, is open to and planning on having an epidural, she wanted to have tools to make the birth more amazing than ever. We are on our second week, and so far, it is phenomenal. Alice is excited to have the birth go so well. She is such a mellow, relaxed person anyway, that I don’t think she will have any problem pulling it off. Her husband, Dan, and I are loving that we will be able to know how to be there for her and support her.

On the other hand, it has brought up alot of shit for me to look at. All the old stories that I’ve tried so hard to get over and move on. Why can’t I experience something so amazing?, I’m such a defect. I have always wanted to experience a natural birth, and have my healthy, perfect baby be put skin to skin right after it’s born. To be able to lay with my baby in bed for 2 weeks, and just enjoy him as if nothing else matters in the world.

I keep wondering what I’m doing at the class. I feel so out of place. Two perfect couples,… and me……I had to remind myself that I was there for my surrogate mother and my baby.

It is sometimes so hard to think that it’s MY baby in there. I haven’t been able to talk to my baby, and some part of it still feels so awkward. It is ripping me apart inside to know that I don’t have the connection with this baby, that I had with Destynee. I am so afraid that he won’t know who his mommy is, or that he will be confused when he comes out, like maybe he’s being torn from who he thought was his mom, and put in the arms of a total stranger…

As the teacher talked about the importance of connecting to the baby at this stage, the fear became bigger and bigger. Without knowing how I was feeling, Dan looked at me and said, “I already had a talk with your baby, and he knows what’s up.” I wanted to cry, and am eternally grateful that I have such perfect support. Dan and Alice both are so in tune with me, and somehow always know exactly what to do or say to give me what I need.

The more we talk about the birth, the more I imagine that I may actually be able to experience second-hand thru Alice (a vaginal birth) and with my baby (skin-to-skin), some of what I missed out on with Destynee. Not to mention, the two weeks of bliss in bed WITH my baby. And nothing else will matter.