Hypnobirth/Fears

Back to the surrogate pregnancy:
We started taking hypnobirthing classes. Although, Alice, my Baby Mamma, is open to and planning on having an epidural, she wanted to have tools to make the birth more amazing than ever. We are on our second week, and so far, it is phenomenal. Alice is excited to have the birth go so well. She is such a mellow, relaxed person anyway, that I don’t think she will have any problem pulling it off. Her husband, Dan, and I are loving that we will be able to know how to be there for her and support her.

On the other hand, it has brought up alot of shit for me to look at. All the old stories that I’ve tried so hard to get over and move on. Why can’t I experience something so amazing?, I’m such a defect. I have always wanted to experience a natural birth, and have my healthy, perfect baby be put skin to skin right after it’s born. To be able to lay with my baby in bed for 2 weeks, and just enjoy him as if nothing else matters in the world.

I keep wondering what I’m doing at the class. I feel so out of place. Two perfect couples,… and me……I had to remind myself that I was there for my surrogate mother and my baby.

It is sometimes so hard to think that it’s MY baby in there. I haven’t been able to talk to my baby, and some part of it still feels so awkward. It is ripping me apart inside to know that I don’t have the connection with this baby, that I had with Destynee. I am so afraid that he won’t know who his mommy is, or that he will be confused when he comes out, like maybe he’s being torn from who he thought was his mom, and put in the arms of a total stranger…

As the teacher talked about the importance of connecting to the baby at this stage, the fear became bigger and bigger. Without knowing how I was feeling, Dan looked at me and said, “I already had a talk with your baby, and he knows what’s up.” I wanted to cry, and am eternally grateful that I have such perfect support. Dan and Alice both are so in tune with me, and somehow always know exactly what to do or say to give me what I need.

The more we talk about the birth, the more I imagine that I may actually be able to experience second-hand thru Alice (a vaginal birth) and with my baby (skin-to-skin), some of what I missed out on with Destynee. Not to mention, the two weeks of bliss in bed WITH my baby. And nothing else will matter.

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Disconnect/Connect

Because I am trying to stay connected to my baby, and Alice is trying not to connect as a mother, we are staying very conscious about our state of mind and thought process. I want to connect as if I’m carrying the baby, and she thinks if she stays a little disconnected, it will make it easier when she gives up the baby.

It becomes challenging when people ask her details about the baby and decisions that a parent would make. It forces her to connect, think about it, tune in, and makes it difficult to stay distant. She wants it to be MY experience as much as possible, and she feels like it takes that away from me.
In saying that, she is very comfortable with people asking her how the pregnancy and surrogate experience is going for her.

I am eternally grateful, that we continually share our intimate experiences and feelings with each other. It helps us both stay in the exact place we need to be.

We understand that this whole experience is new, different, and has been interesting for everyone. I appreciate that everyone is supporting us in the best way they can.

OverwhelmingĀ Gratitude

My little girl Destynee was possibly exposed to whooping cough, so we haven’t been able to go anywhere. I’ve been working a ton, so I really didn’t mind, but I’m missing my Baby Mamma. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve seen her:(

I noticed myself getting into the busy of life, and having fewer thoughts about the fact that WE’RE pregnant. It is the weirdest thing to forget that I’m going to have a baby. I feel like my baby is getting babysat far away, and for a really long time. But at the same time, I haven’t met my baby, and not sure if I’m going to meet him/her. It feels like a long dream, and I don’t know what to expect to find when I wake up……

I want to cry when I think that I might actually have another baby in a few months…. What did I do to deserve a God-sent miracle. I want to hug her to death when I see her (not literaly). I feel overwelmed with the gratitude and love I feel for her. By the time I see her, I’m so overwelmed with emotion that I can’t do much of anything, but contain it. I don’t know how to express it without scaring the shit out of her…..

Disconnect/Reconnect

About a month ago I noticed that I was feeling myself disconnect to the idea of being pregnant. Guilt and confusion came into my consciousness. Why was I trying to forget about the fact that I am going to have a baby? We have worked so hard for this amazing miracle. I pondered about all the feelings I was having, and discovered that I hadn’t fully accepted the fact that I AM energetically pregnant. I had let myself be confused about how strange and unnatural this all was. What if all the strange, unfamiliar senses, thoughts, and feelings I was having, were all normal pregnant symptoms…..?

I discovered that another part of the disconnect, was the fear around the baby not making it. I couldn’t bare the thought of getting attached to a baby that I might not get to hold. I subconsciously was disconnecting to it all.

How could I disconnect to such an amazing opportunity and miracle?
A freind helped me get clear about where all the confusion was coming from. She helped me realize that we are energetically connected now, and that if I was feeling so weird, then my Surrogate Mother might be too.

I’m actually going to have my very own baby!!! Every morning and night, I put my hands on my belly, and feel and talk to the baby as if it were inside me. I really do love the thought of having another baby, and I’m excited to reconnect with my little angel.

I immediately scheduled some time connect with my angel, spend time with my Baby Mamma, and make sure they were both feeling supported.

What’s Going On???/The Crazys

Alice had to get back to her girls and I had to go to work, so we all left right after. It felt awkward to all of us. I felt like I was leaving my baby.

Gordon asked if he could take me to breakfast and talk about everything before I went to work. He could see that I needed to talk. He was so sensitive to my needs, and so sweet to listen to my crazy thoughts and feelings.

I couldn’t figure out why there was only one, and why I was even slightly disappointed about how many babies there were. Why couldn’t I just be thrilled that we were pregnant. A flood of guilt drenched me for having the thought. What was my problem??? I could have thought myself to death and Gordon knew it.

I was able to talk to him and get clarity about it.
Of course I wasn’t disappointed that there was only one. What a miracle in itself!!!
I found myself still stuck in the process, the detail, the work of it all. I couldn’t just BE with it. My disappointment came from doing all this unnatural, unpleasant, and painful stuff, trying to get her pregnant. I wanted a two for one deal, right?….. Once I realized how fucked up my thought process had been, I immediately got back into my heart and instantly became ecstatic that we were going to have another beautiful healthy baby. YAY!!!

Gordon insisted out of pure excitement, that he wanted to send out a mass text. “We’re going to have a baby!!!” What a gem!!!

7 Week Ultrasound/ How Many Babies???

We are already 7 weeks!!!??? That’s awesome!!! We had to wait three weeks from the time we found out we we’re pregnant, and now we’re considered seven weeks along! I love it! Once the embryo transfer was done, we were considered two weeks along.

We decided to have Destynee go with us to the ultrasound, so she could see what we were talking about. She has been so excited about getting a lil’ brother or sister. I called Alice to make sure she was okay with her coming.

As we all anxiously waited in the room for the doctor, I started to wonder how I would feel if there was only one. With all the time, effort, energy, money & emotions put into the whole process, we were really looking forward to twins. It felt like we deserved it. (I know that sounds ungrateful, but I’m being honest.)

Here comes the vaginal ultrasound, cuz we were only seven weeks. Poor baby mamma šŸ˜¦ As the doctor searched around for the anticipated result, all of our hearts were beating out of our chest…….. Finally…. we heard a heart beat!!! We all just sat there in bliss, listening to such a sweet sound. Before I could even explain to my three year old what was going on, the precious sound was gone…….I think we all stopped breathing for a second.
The picture was still on, but the sound had been turned off. (I think because they don’t want to disturb such a tiny fetus.)

There it was, a picture of ONE healthy baby!!! It looked more like a fuzzy peanut. The doctor searched for a second…….There was only one.
I was kinda confused. It didn’t make sense??? I was so sure we would have twins… Everyone was so sure…

Making Sense of It All

Now that we were pregnant, I felt myself relax a little. I was able to breathe, and take the much-needed break.

So much of being pregnant didn’t seem like a reality. I found myself wondering was it real? Or was it all a dream?……There was nothing for me to do, and it felt like the process was over.
Our surrogate mother obviously wasn’t around us all the time, and when I was not with her, I easily forgot what was going on, the reality of it… I wanted to follow her around like a lost puppy…

Strangely, my mind played tricks on me………….What part of all this made sense?… Not much when I thought about it……..Pregnancy thru surrogacy wasn’t something that I had ever experienced or personally known anybody to experience before. We were feeling our way through a completely unknown experience.

I continued to try to connect with my baby/babies. And continued to struggle…..I finally decided to stop judging myself for how I thought I was supposed to think, feel, or connect to this experience, and that maybe it was okay that I was feeling so awkward. I gave it the possibility that it wouldn’t make or break my relationship with my baby/babies. That they would understand and know that I loved them anyway šŸ™‚

I was barely able to get off all the hormone medications three weeks after the egg retrieval, and I could feel that they would take a while to get out of my body completely. My heart still wasn’t doing well, and the crazys still had their time with me, but it didn’t feel as intense.

I focused on reviving myself and strengthening my heart… I felt better about the whole thing…….At least for moments at a time…

Starting Our Medications/Birth Control

The infertility center first put both Alice & I on birth control pills, so they could control and synchronize our cycles. We had to be synched very closely, because once they retrieved the eggs from me, they only had three days to put them into Alice. Her uterus had to be very ready to accept my fragile little eggs.

I was so excited to start. It felt like we had made a huge step in the process. We were now actually beginning the process to make a baby!!!

As soon as I started on the birth control, I started feeling completely insane. I tried to hold it together, and pretend that I calmly had everything under control…..Inside, I was going out of my mind. I couldn’t figure out why I was trying to have a baby while I was so unstable… And strangely enough, I wasn’t sure why I felt so unstable. Like the crazys snuck up on me….I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know whether I could pull off everything that had to be done in order to succeed in surrogacy, in having another baby. I often wondered why I was continuing the process, and at what point I would give up…..

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting………..

Alice was still nursing her twin girls, and made it clear that she didn’t know how much longer she wanted to nurse them. She had waited 10 years for those girls and didn’t want to rush anything. She told us she would let us know when she was ready to start the surrogate process. I admired her for making sure every step worked for her, and was timed just right.

I continually wondered if we made the right decision, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that, in a few months, we may be in the middle of a surrogate experience. I didn’t know what that looked like, and it was exciting and terrifying all at the same time!

The Crazys came back to visit me, but this time with much less intensity. I started obsessing over details. I wanted to have started the process already and her be pregnant already…I was worried that Destynee would be too old to really connect with the baby, and that they wouldn’t be friends when they were older. I kept asking Gordon, “when is she going to be ready? It’s driving me crazy waiting”. I thought that she would wait too long and then want to be pregnant with her own baby. I was obsessively waiting for something I didn’t think would happen anyway………..

I wanted to abort the whole thing, and we hadn’t even started. I felt it was the only way to return to my happy life with my perfect little family. I was loosing myself again, and I didn’t know how to stop………

Coping/Grieving/Hysterectomy

The first several months of my baby’s life, I was consumed by the grief from the hysterectomy and how I was possibly going to have more children.

There are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance. I went through all of them, and through them and then through them again. It was very difficult, because more than not, I didn’t know what I was going through, I just knew I was struggling.

I told Gordon, “maybe I still have my uterus since I don’t remember them taking it out. Lets see if we can get pregnant. I’m sure I can.”. I struggled with the reality of it.

I was very angry with myself (like I felt responsible for what happened), and with God (that He could take something so special and important to me). I was put to sleep to have a baby, and woke up with my world turned upside down. I never got a choice in the matter. It was not fair, and it didn’t make sense to me.

I had a very hard time being around pregnant women. I would stare and get lost in what I could never experience again…..I found myself bargaining with God, “If I could only change what happened, I would do anything”. I couldn’t make sense of it, because so much happened while I was unconscious. I tried to figure out what I could have done differently.

All I heard from expecting mothers was, “I look so fat” or “this baby is kicking me, it’s so uncomfortable”. Everytime I turned around, I was hearing negative things said about something so beautiful and wonderful. I couldn’t stand it!!!

I knew nobody could fully understand what I was going thru, so it was hard to talk to anybody about it. When I did talk about it, people would say things (trying to help), and completely trigger me. I couldn’t believe the things (called advice), that they were giving me. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, about anything!

I felt completely alone…..