Feeling Fragile/Another Trip to the Hospital…

We told our OB, Dr. Draper, that we would do whatever was needed for the best outcome. The plan was to go on strict bed rest, and to see him every week, for ultrasounds and to monitor me for signs of infection.

I had my sister, Vanessa, take me up to my first ultrasound, so I could lay down in the car.
It was a nightmare!! A forty minute ride up to the hospital, all the bumps, stopping and going, and I couldn’t lay flat. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I had to walk. Oh my hell, I never imagined, that walking from the car thru the huge hospital, could be so agonizing. Every step, every movement, felt as though I would go into labor. I felt so fragile, like any second I would cause a tragedy that could possibly be prevented. I needed to provide this baby with the safest environment, and we were in a battle field.

I called my doctor later, and told him I could not do that again. He agreed to have me call him every week with an update and vitals. I had to take my temperature three times a day, and watch for very specific signs of infection.

Life Threatning Decisions: Abortion or ???

Once again the pregnancy and now 2 lives were in danger. We had some enormous life threatening decisions to make.

We looked at each other with emptiness and cloudiness inside, but still clear about one thing. We both had very strong beliefs about abortion and leaving the life of others in God’s hands.

The next 3 days, were the longest of my life. I lied there as still as possible afraid to move a muscle.
We weren’t out of the woods, but felt tremendous gratitude that we had made it this far without laboring.

The Possibility of A Miracle!

After Dr. Draper had given us all the risks and complications, he paused…A glimer of hope filled his eyes.

He began to tell us about a previous mother that he had as a patient just over a year ago. She had had a very similar situation. He now had a statistic of his own and a sucess story. He shared her experience and sucess, while still staying very clear about the risk of complications, and his unsurity of how things would go.

I began to experience that same glimer of hope. I asked him if he believed in miracles?? He said “absolutely”. I knew from that moment, that he was on our side and that I could trust him. I was grateful to have a doctor that gave us the hope and positive support we needed.

We were relieved and felt like maybe we wern’t alone….Yet still so unsure..

The Dreaded News…

My OB doctor, Dr. Draper, verified that my water had broke. He looked at us with the saddest eyes, and began to tell us what that would mean for us. He started with the likely outcome, complications, and risks.

I would most likely start into labor within the next 3 days, and the baby wouldn’t make it. Because of the high risks of infection/sepsis and hemorrhage, he told us that most doctors would highly recommend an abortion for my safety. He didn’t believe in abortions, but would send us to someone else to get it done.

He explained more risks of having a baby under these conditions.
Underdevelopment of baby’s lungs, limbs, and unsure of the outcome/condition of the baby. The doctor said that there was a 5% chance that nothing would go wrong, and the baby have no major complications. We didn’t think those were very good odds, but knew if the baby was supposed to make it, it would happen. We knew our faith would be tried again.
He told us to go home and sleep on it before making such a big decision.

I felt like a dirty, wet, half rung out, dish towel. A wave of tragedy flooded both me and my dear sweet husband.

My Water Broke!!!/Rupture of Membrane

19 weeks to the day! I was so excited that I had made it through the hard part…Or so I thought.

Enjoying the day, making bread, and all of a sudden I felt as though I had managed to piss my pants. WHAT? This was alot! What in the hell just happened??? Being my first time this far along, I wasn’t sure what to think…
After I went in the bathroom, I was pretty sure I hadn’t peed. PHEWWW!!! But what! Thoughts and fears started pouring in my head like a river.

If it was my water breaking then what does this mean?? Only 19 weeks! My sweet lil’ baby wouldn’t survive…
Trying not to panic, I rush in to see my OB doctor.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel/ The Reasuring Heart Beat

I bled off and on for about 3 months, and finally asked for a doctors note to get off work. I thought maybe, that mild bedrest would help the bleeding… It didn’t, but I some how felt better about it knowing that I was doing everything I knew how to do.

We got our 12 weeks ultrasound, and were overwhelmed with joy, hearing a heart beat and seeing every other part of a perfect little body. It seemed to be waving at us.

At about 14 weeks the bleeding seemed to lighten up, and finally stopped at 16 wks.

I was mostly passed the horrible morning sickness (that really lasted all damn day), and felt really good about how things were going. I was finally able to enjoy being pregnant. What a gift!

Power Outage…You’ve got to be kiding me

One LONG night, the power happened to be out. Yep, you guessed it! I woke up feeling very wet, and hoping that I or better yet Gordon had peed the bed. Not so lucky… LOL

Blood was everywhere~I wonder to this day how I managed to function that night. Gordon was an angel to help me along, with a flashlight. He said it looked like a murder seine. I had taken some cayenne to stop the bleeding. It did seam to help, but I was pretty sure my throat was eating itself. Ouch!!! After we got everything under control, and we’re laying in bed, the damn lamp turned on…. Timing is everything, right?

Only clots came out that night… which gave us another glimpse of hope. We still didn’t know if anything was alive in there, but were working on our faith and hoping for the best.

The Beginning of Our First Miracle…Destynee

I decided to finish college before getting pregnant, so that having a baby could be my main focus. By the time we started trying, it had already felt like forever. I wanted a baby more than anything, ever since I was a little girl.

After 2 miscarriages and 1 1/2 yrs., we were finally going to have a baby!!! I was thrilled to be pregnant, and scared to death that I might lose this baby too….It was physically, emotionally, and mentally so hard to have already lost two.

So, pregnant for the third time, and had already started to bleed…. What the hell was wrong with me:(

The bleeding had increased, and a few times I woke up in puddles of blood and passed a few clots. My poor husband is too squeamish, so I went through the clots to make sure we had not lost the baby. What a horrible thing to have to do… But, when you’re in the middle of it, all of those [Oh my hell, what I’m I doing thoughts] seem to fade away.
My thought was, I hope I don’t find a baby in any of them. I didn’t know how I would take another loss.