Drops of Colostrum!!!

I asked God out of completely desperation and frustration, to give me any sign that all my pumping and hard dedication was not in vain. I needed to know that I had a chance of nursing my baby.

After almost four weeks of taking several herbs, a drug, manual expression, and pumping every two hours, I finally got drops of colostrum!!!! 🙂

I usually can get a drop when I express manually, and one or two drops out with each pumping session.
It’s a start! WAHOOO!!!!

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I Want To Nurse My Baby/Started Pumping

I want to nurse my baby, and the lactation specialist that I’m working with told me I had a good chance of making it happen!!! She said I should start getting drops of milk in by two weeks. I am amazed that it’s even a possibility!

I’ve been taking lots of herbs (fenugreek, blessed thistle, mother’s milk tea, alfalfa, red raspberry tea) for over four weeks now, and started on a medication (Reglan) a week ago.

I’ve also been pumping for over three weeks now 8-10 times a day, every two hours for 15-20 minutes each time. Ouch! Oh my hell, ouch!
And nothing, no milk!

What the heck am I doing wrong? My baby’s due tomorrow, and I don’t have any milk for him….

I’m really trying not to stress about it, cuz I know that doesn’t help at all. I just wish I was getting something out, anything at all would at least let me know that I have a chance.

I don’t know if I should give up or wait and see if my baby, the real thing, can help bring it in…????

Pure Excitement!!!!/What A Blessing!

As I sat with the vision of having one baby, I became overwhelmed with gratitude. It was absolutely perfect!!! God knows what we can handle. My heart will do way better with only one baby to care for, I can include my daughter easier with one, and baby mamma will be more likely to carry the baby full-term and care for her twins easier. And we got one!!!

Plus, before we knew how many babies we would have, I had decided that it would be too stressful for me to try to nurse twins; mostly because I didn’t know if my heart could handle being up with twins all thru the nights. With nursing, it’s harder for the daddy to help take care of the baby.
Now that we were only having one baby, I was very excited to hopefully be able to nurse my baby and have that bonding time.

After the incredibly long, hard, invitro-surrogate process, we got pregnant! We’re going to have a baby!!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GOD!!! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!

WE AGAIN GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE ANOTHER MIRACLE OF GOD IN OUR LIVES!!!!!!!

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting………..

Alice was still nursing her twin girls, and made it clear that she didn’t know how much longer she wanted to nurse them. She had waited 10 years for those girls and didn’t want to rush anything. She told us she would let us know when she was ready to start the surrogate process. I admired her for making sure every step worked for her, and was timed just right.

I continually wondered if we made the right decision, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that, in a few months, we may be in the middle of a surrogate experience. I didn’t know what that looked like, and it was exciting and terrifying all at the same time!

The Crazys came back to visit me, but this time with much less intensity. I started obsessing over details. I wanted to have started the process already and her be pregnant already…I was worried that Destynee would be too old to really connect with the baby, and that they wouldn’t be friends when they were older. I kept asking Gordon, “when is she going to be ready? It’s driving me crazy waiting”. I thought that she would wait too long and then want to be pregnant with her own baby. I was obsessively waiting for something I didn’t think would happen anyway………..

I wanted to abort the whole thing, and we hadn’t even started. I felt it was the only way to return to my happy life with my perfect little family. I was loosing myself again, and I didn’t know how to stop………

Destynee’s Coming Home!!!

Destynee came into this world struggling, and fighting for everything she had. She came with such strength and determination, and it paid off.
She came home January 17th, 8 weeks later. She was still on oxygen and had a hard time nursing, but she was home!
The first day home, we stared in awe at our precious angel. She really was our baby, and now we felt it. We are finally parents!!! There was a peace that came over both of us, as we relaxed into our own environment.
We soaked up every second with her, and engulfed ourselves in her sweet spirit.

Two Months in the NICU/First Experience of the World

We loved spending time with her. Gordon would drop me off in the morning before work, come in to see her, and then pick me up after work so he could see her again. We usually stayed there every night until they kicked us out at shift change (7pm).

Destynee had a really hard time nursing or taking a bottle. She would choke, had acid reflux and A&B’s (apnea & bradycardia) with feedings; it was so miserable for her. I was grateful to have her in the hospital, where things like that could be monitored. At the same time, my heart ached, because all the poking, proding, intruding, and laying alone had to be her first experience of the world. Although I was there with her most of the time, I couldn’t hold her much and I couldn’t imagine what that felt like to her. Abandonment? Rejection? I worried.

I didn’t even feel like I was going to be okay for about 5 weeks, so how could I expect her to. We were surviving together, and that’s all that mattered.
She started nursing full feedings at 6 weeks exactly (38 weeks gestation). The nurses told me that it usually clicks developmentally around 38 weeks, and it did. We had been forcing her to learn something damn nigh impossible, and when she was ready, she got it.
Although most of the staff was very kind and gentle, she experienced things that nobody (let alone, newborns), should ever have to face. I watched and let things happened that I felt I had no control over. It felt like she was their baby, and I just had to watch. I didn’t stand up for her, or for what I felt was right or wrong, because I couldn’t live with something going wrong….I didn’t feel mentally stable enough to trust myself….. I desperately wanted to bring her home.

Holding Our Angel for the First Time!

Dec 8th, Destynee is a week and a half old. She was doing so well that she was able to get off the CPAP and was put on oxygen. Both me and Gordon got to hold our angel for the first time. Neither of us ever wanted to let her go. For the first time, we were able to pour all the built-up love we had been saving inside, for her. It was a huge sigh of relief to be able to hold her, and it was what we were both needing very badly. She brought us a piece of heaven with her sweet spirit.

This precious moment seemed to be gone way to fast……Every time we got a chance to hold her, the nurses would come to either check her vitals or tell us she needed rest.

Her daddy got to feed her the first bottle. It was the first time she was able to get any nutrition orally. The next day, they let me breast feed her. She didn’t do very well, but I didn’t have much to work with.

Shortly after that, she moved to an open crib. She still needed her sleep to grow, so unless she was eating or awake, we couldn’t hold her. She woke very easily, was sensitive to everything, and had a really hard time adjusting because of all the stimulation (bright lights, alarms, people talking, etc).