Planning the Birth/Communication

It seems like each hypnobirth class becomes easier. I don’t feel as awkward, and I feel like I’m in the right place. It’s only as awkward as you make it, right?

I feel more and more comfortable about how the birth is going to go. I think just being able to discuss what Alice and I, do and don’t want, has been extremely helpful. Until now, I have only had my crazy mind to assume how it’s going to go, what I’m going to do, how I can support her, and if she’s going to be okay.

Alice is easily able to go with the flow. I am a big communicator, and an even bigger planner. Lucky, she knows this about me, and is very willing to discuss and plan to my heart’s desire. If it’s something that she’s not sure about how she will feel or what she will need, she simply says, “I’m not sure, I will let you know when it comes up”. Living in the moment!, I am definitely learning a thing or two from her:)

Hypnobirth/Fears

Back to the surrogate pregnancy:
We started taking hypnobirthing classes. Although, Alice, my Baby Mamma, is open to and planning on having an epidural, she wanted to have tools to make the birth more amazing than ever. We are on our second week, and so far, it is phenomenal. Alice is excited to have the birth go so well. She is such a mellow, relaxed person anyway, that I don’t think she will have any problem pulling it off. Her husband, Dan, and I are loving that we will be able to know how to be there for her and support her.

On the other hand, it has brought up alot of shit for me to look at. All the old stories that I’ve tried so hard to get over and move on. Why can’t I experience something so amazing?, I’m such a defect. I have always wanted to experience a natural birth, and have my healthy, perfect baby be put skin to skin right after it’s born. To be able to lay with my baby in bed for 2 weeks, and just enjoy him as if nothing else matters in the world.

I keep wondering what I’m doing at the class. I feel so out of place. Two perfect couples,… and me……I had to remind myself that I was there for my surrogate mother and my baby.

It is sometimes so hard to think that it’s MY baby in there. I haven’t been able to talk to my baby, and some part of it still feels so awkward. It is ripping me apart inside to know that I don’t have the connection with this baby, that I had with Destynee. I am so afraid that he won’t know who his mommy is, or that he will be confused when he comes out, like maybe he’s being torn from who he thought was his mom, and put in the arms of a total stranger…

As the teacher talked about the importance of connecting to the baby at this stage, the fear became bigger and bigger. Without knowing how I was feeling, Dan looked at me and said, “I already had a talk with your baby, and he knows what’s up.” I wanted to cry, and am eternally grateful that I have such perfect support. Dan and Alice both are so in tune with me, and somehow always know exactly what to do or say to give me what I need.

The more we talk about the birth, the more I imagine that I may actually be able to experience second-hand thru Alice (a vaginal birth) and with my baby (skin-to-skin), some of what I missed out on with Destynee. Not to mention, the two weeks of bliss in bed WITH my baby. And nothing else will matter.

3-D Video of Baby/21-27 Weeks

I wanted to get back into my experience with Destynee’s pregnancy, while this pregnancy is mellow and going so calm. Here is another 3-D video of a baby from 21-27 Weeks. We are almost 23 weeks now!!! SWEET!!!

Enjoy……

22 Weeks…/Is That All?

Well Baby Mamma is doing better than ever. She feels great and looks amazing! She says my little guy is moving like crazy. She says I’m in for it, because he’s so freakin active….Bring it on! I’m so excited!

We have an appointment in a week and a half, but no ultrasound. At our last appointment, our doctor started her on progesterone shots. Because she had pre-term labor with her twins, she is higher risk for pre-term again. The progesterone shots decrease the risk by 50%. The shots are weekly, but inch and a half inch needle right in the ass. OW!! Again, her sweet husband Dan, is there for her.

They are the perfect couple for surrogacy, and they couldn’t be more fun to be with through this. Love you guys!

Name For Baby

Sometimes I wonder if finding the perfect name for a child is one of the hardest things to do. It can be something they love or hate about themselves. Your name doesn’t identify who you are as an individual, but to some it can feel like that. He can always change it if he wants, right?
Well enough mumbo, jumbo……

Gordon Metallik!..or Gordon Metallic! is his name for now. Until we see his gorgeous face, we can’t be sure, but he has a name!!! We’re not sure how we want to spell it yet..?

Destynee has been walking around the house saying, “Metallik, Metallik”. She says she likes the name, and “it’s just like daddy!!!”

Disconnect/Connect

Because I am trying to stay connected to my baby, and Alice is trying not to connect as a mother, we are staying very conscious about our state of mind and thought process. I want to connect as if I’m carrying the baby, and she thinks if she stays a little disconnected, it will make it easier when she gives up the baby.

It becomes challenging when people ask her details about the baby and decisions that a parent would make. It forces her to connect, think about it, tune in, and makes it difficult to stay distant. She wants it to be MY experience as much as possible, and she feels like it takes that away from me.
In saying that, she is very comfortable with people asking her how the pregnancy and surrogate experience is going for her.

I am eternally grateful, that we continually share our intimate experiences and feelings with each other. It helps us both stay in the exact place we need to be.

We understand that this whole experience is new, different, and has been interesting for everyone. I appreciate that everyone is supporting us in the best way they can.

Fears/Dreams

I had a dream the other day:

I heard through the grapevine that Alice was having problems and was up at the hospital. It had been about four hours before I heard anything. I didn’t know what problems she was having, or if the baby was even alive. I remember feeling scarred and upset that she didn’t tell me, and confused because it somehow didn’t feel like my business.
It took me forever to find out where she was, and what was really going on. At this point in the dream, I didn’t know any details. I felt like I was panicking and running around, but not getting anywhere. (That seriously was most of the dream; you know, the dream that never ends).
All of a sudden, I was up at the hospital, and I had the baby in my belly. The doctors said I needed to carry it until Alice could get better. They said that I would only be able to handle carrying him for a week or two because of my heart. Alice was upset and disappointed that she had failed me. I reassured her that it was okay and actually a blessing because I got to experience carrying the baby for awhile. We were there for each other and comforting each other. I remember feeling him move and kick alot. It was amazing!

At first, I didn’t think much of the dream. After talking about it, I realized that all my fears were jam-packed in a long, confusing dream. Part of me, wants to stay out of her life/business. I have to remind myself that this part of her life is my life and business, at least for now. I am also very afraid of missing the birth and not being there for Alice and my baby. Obviously I long to carry and feel the baby inside me, so if it’s thru a dream that I get to experience it, then bring it on!

All the little things that have been different or weird about this pregnancy, played out in the dream. Interesting….

Timing Is Everything….

Do we tell this baby how he really got here? There is no way to know how he will take it, what will be the best time or the best way to tell him. What a unique life story to tell, will he see the miracle in his life, and love to brag about how special he is, or somehow feel less important or different? Will he think that he’s less than big sister because, “mommy didn’t carry me”? Will he somehow feel like we treat him different than Destynee? Do we keep it a secret, and let him assume that his own mom carried him? Secrets don’t last, then he may feel betrayed.
I never want to keep anything a secret….Especially something so miraculous! As children, we all make up stories in our heads about life and what it’s all about.

As Gordon and I discussed all the options, we decided, that first and formost, there would be no secrets, period! Second, that our child has every right to know what a miracle he is, and about the people who love him and made his life possible. It is his life, right? Not telling him would be denying God’s hand in his life. We decided that we are absolutely going to share that part of his life with him, after all, he choose his path.

I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot controll how he will choose to take it. As his parents, we will do everything we know to support him in having this be a great experience for him.

Now the only question is, when do we tell him, so that he will fully understand, without feeling overwelmed?

Any thoughts???

Little Dani’s Discovery

Before we knew if the baby was a boy or girl, Alice posted this comment:

This morning, as I was sitting on the couch with Dani, the baby started kicking. I decided to ask Dani if she knew there was a baby in my tummy (I haven’t said anything about the baby until now). She lifted up my shirt and said “ya”. I asked her if the baby is a girl or a boy she said “girl”. I then told her it is going to be Destynee’s sister just like she has a sister, she just calmly said “oh, ok”.

Baby Mama

Our Three Girls

Part of the decision to begin this surrogate journey, was to make sure it would be a great experience for everyone involved. Dan and Alice have 2 1/2 year old twin girls, and I have my 3 year old daughter Destynee. It was very important that we timed it just right; that the three girls were old enough, that the pregnancy (for Alice), and having a baby (for me), would not take away from the care and attention that the girls needed from their mommies. It is also important they eventually know the truth, when they are old enough to understand the whole process and see the gift in it.

The three girls are still young enough to be okay with the process, and hopefully won’t be emotionally effected. By talking to all three of them about it, and preparing them for the reality of it, we are hoping that the twins won’t have to wonder, “why their mommy is giving away their baby?”, and for Destynee, “why mommy can’t have her own baby?” They all three seem to be very okay with what’s going on up to this point, and there doesn’t seem to be any confusion in thier minds about it.

Destynee seems to understand enough to be very excited and vocal about it all. She always talks about our baby boy, and about being a big sister. “When he gets big enough, he’s going to pop out of Alice’s belly. I’m going to help my mommy take care of him.” She asks A-Alice if she can feel the baby, and seems to be very comfortable with it.