Hypnobirth/Fears

Back to the surrogate pregnancy:
We started taking hypnobirthing classes. Although, Alice, my Baby Mamma, is open to and planning on having an epidural, she wanted to have tools to make the birth more amazing than ever. We are on our second week, and so far, it is phenomenal. Alice is excited to have the birth go so well. She is such a mellow, relaxed person anyway, that I don’t think she will have any problem pulling it off. Her husband, Dan, and I are loving that we will be able to know how to be there for her and support her.

On the other hand, it has brought up alot of shit for me to look at. All the old stories that I’ve tried so hard to get over and move on. Why can’t I experience something so amazing?, I’m such a defect. I have always wanted to experience a natural birth, and have my healthy, perfect baby be put skin to skin right after it’s born. To be able to lay with my baby in bed for 2 weeks, and just enjoy him as if nothing else matters in the world.

I keep wondering what I’m doing at the class. I feel so out of place. Two perfect couples,… and me……I had to remind myself that I was there for my surrogate mother and my baby.

It is sometimes so hard to think that it’s MY baby in there. I haven’t been able to talk to my baby, and some part of it still feels so awkward. It is ripping me apart inside to know that I don’t have the connection with this baby, that I had with Destynee. I am so afraid that he won’t know who his mommy is, or that he will be confused when he comes out, like maybe he’s being torn from who he thought was his mom, and put in the arms of a total stranger…

As the teacher talked about the importance of connecting to the baby at this stage, the fear became bigger and bigger. Without knowing how I was feeling, Dan looked at me and said, “I already had a talk with your baby, and he knows what’s up.” I wanted to cry, and am eternally grateful that I have such perfect support. Dan and Alice both are so in tune with me, and somehow always know exactly what to do or say to give me what I need.

The more we talk about the birth, the more I imagine that I may actually be able to experience second-hand thru Alice (a vaginal birth) and with my baby (skin-to-skin), some of what I missed out on with Destynee. Not to mention, the two weeks of bliss in bed WITH my baby. And nothing else will matter.

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