Ah-ha Moment/A Refreshing Ray of Light

I have a few friends and family that were able to help me realize some very important concepts for me to accept my new life and how to make the best of it.

I had one of those ah-ha moments, that gave me access to the key that could unlock all the possibilities of my new life. I realized all the miracles I was missing. I would like to share how it came about.
Destynee was about nine months old, and had an eye infection that wouldn’t go away. I had her on antibiotics, and changed her pillowcase everyday. I thought that maybe the cause wasn’t being addressed, so I decided to look at the emotional aspect of it. I was discussing it with my Aunt Bonnie. She told me that a bacterial eye infection represented fear of not wanting to look at something.
As I explained my struggle to fully accept Destynee being my only child, she intuitively suggested to me, that my longing for a “baby”, while I already had a baby, confused Destynee. I was continually focused on how to get my next baby, which made her wonder why (or fear that) she wasn’t good enough. She WAS my baby!!!

It broke my heart, when I realized the impact my struggle had on her…..

Aunt Bonnie saying that to me, was like a lightning bolt zapping my brain back to normal….It pulled me out of the gray funk I had been in since my daughter was born….It felt like the last missing piece to my puzzle. It was the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment, and I was ready to hear it.

I realized that I had been missing Destynee’s life and everything that came with it. I was missing all the joys of being a mother, the innocence of my miracle baby, the experience of everything I had been waiting for…I wanted desperately to take back those nine months and do it over again.

For once, I was able to focus on the positive side. I didn’t want to dwell on the past and how I hadn’t been there for her. I had been experiencing that for way too long.

As I looked down at my beautiful daughter, who was teaching me so much and waiting so patiently for me to get it, I was overcome by the pure Love of Christ…. I saw the possibilities of how I was NOW going to enjoy life with my baby. If she was my only child, then I was going to make it a damn good experience for both of us. I felt like a new mother…Like now I knew what I was doing and how I wanted it to look.

From that moment on, I focused on what I had and how grateful I was for it. I was literally able to remove the idea of having more children from my mind. That obsession would haunt me no longer…….PHEWWWWW!

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Jessica,
    Your story has been so interesting to me. I cried with you and felt your stress through the pregnancy and birth. I was dreading the moment when you talked about Postpartum Depression as I have a pretty severe case myself but it helped me to let go of my pain a little bit more. I really enjoyed your last post, “The ah hah moment” I took a big breath right with you. What a life altering experience! Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. Ruth

    • I am so grateful to hear that my indepth experience has touched you. It is refreshing to know someone can relate to it. One of my goals in writing about this, was to inspire or help others. Thank for sharing how it has affected you.
      I wish you the best of luck with what you are going thru. Please feel free to continue to share. Jessica

  2. I just had my baby less than 5 weeks ago, and they had to do an emergency hysterectomy.I went to the hospital for an induced delivery ,hopeful of our future. I came out with a hysterectomy ,feeling lost and confused. I had a beautiful baby girl but somehow still obsessed with my lost uterus and the possible babies that I might have had. All I do everyday is cry for what was lost and would never be mine. I hate looking at my body , what used to be beautifully stretched out by a baby just a few months ago , looks so horrible and ugly to me now. I am still struggling with trying to accept my circumstances.I dont know what i am experiencing now, whether its post – partum or barely the fact of having an unwanted hysterectomy. Reading your blog makes me feel less lonely and alone.Thank you

    • My heart aches for you when I read your experience, it’s like I’m re-living the pain all over again. You are probably have not just post-partum, but severe depression. My doctor warned me of that, and was very clear in instruction my husband what signs to watch for. You need to have a good support, and someone you can tell all of your thoughts & feeling to.
      I will tell you from experience that it does get easier.
      One of the biggest things that helped me, was to relize that, like you, I was greiving. Greiving what I thought my life should have been, who I thought I was, what my purpose was, and on & on. And I also didn’t feel like anybody would understand what I was going thru.
      Understand the stages of greiving and understand that you will continue to weive in and out of each stage at any given moment (anger, isolation/depression, denial, bargaining, and acceptance). It can help you understand how you’re feeling and have greater compassion for yourself.
      I hope I didn’t come across and overbaring or aggressive, I just want to help. I would be grateful to be a support for you if you would like.
      My prayers are with you. Jessica


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