Leaving to Soon :(

Back in March, Dan, Alice, and the twiners had stayed with us for a few weeks. It was awesome! I took advantage of the situation, and really practiced connecting with my baby. It was fun to have them so close. Plus, she is a wonderful cook.

I am continually overwhelmed by the love I feel for her and from her. She continually tells me what an honor it is for her to be able to do this for me. Although I can not fully grasp the magnitude of her gratefulness, I am constantly engulfed by mine.

I could have been very okay with all of them staying for good, and I felt sad when they left.

Disconnect/Reconnect

About a month ago I noticed that I was feeling myself disconnect to the idea of being pregnant. Guilt and confusion came into my consciousness. Why was I trying to forget about the fact that I am going to have a baby? We have worked so hard for this amazing miracle. I pondered about all the feelings I was having, and discovered that I hadn’t fully accepted the fact that I AM energetically pregnant. I had let myself be confused about how strange and unnatural this all was. What if all the strange, unfamiliar senses, thoughts, and feelings I was having, were all normal pregnant symptoms…..?

I discovered that another part of the disconnect, was the fear around the baby not making it. I couldn’t bare the thought of getting attached to a baby that I might not get to hold. I subconsciously was disconnecting to it all.

How could I disconnect to such an amazing opportunity and miracle?
A freind helped me get clear about where all the confusion was coming from. She helped me realize that we are energetically connected now, and that if I was feeling so weird, then my Surrogate Mother might be too.

I’m actually going to have my very own baby!!! Every morning and night, I put my hands on my belly, and feel and talk to the baby as if it were inside me. I really do love the thought of having another baby, and I’m excited to reconnect with my little angel.

I immediately scheduled some time connect with my angel, spend time with my Baby Mamma, and make sure they were both feeling supported.

13 Week Ultrasound

Our ultrasound went well… Actually it went better than well, it was amazing!
My little peanut DID grow arms and legs.. Wahoo!!!

Alice got to meet my amazing OB. She said she was very comfortable with him, and felt like he honored and respected each individual’s role.
He paid attention to the whole dynamic of the pregnancy, and was excited to be working with us.

I’m so excited, because I remember the importance of having him with my first pregnancy.

Ultrasound Tomorrow

Our ultrasound is tomorrow, and awesome bonus!!! My Baby Mamma is coming to stay with me for the rest of the week.
I’m looking forward to some chill time with my babies.

Peanuts!!!

We have our 2nd ultrasound coming up in less than a week! The lil’ peanut will be 13 weeks, and we should be able to see a baby, not a peanut.
Don’t get me wrong, I love peanuts, but I love it more when peanuts grow arms and legs!

I’m so freaking excited!!!

It’s My Birthday!!!

So yesterday I had my 28th birthday! It was the first year that I was excited to be a year older.
I feel like I earned it. I have had alot of challenges that have come with alot of miracles in my short lil’ life. I think I actually feel 28.
Weird….

My very special friend, Ruth, had a wonderful dinner for my birthday. My parents, husband, baby girl Destynee, and Baby Mamma was there, which means my sweet little 11 1/2 wk. size of a grape baby was there too!!!

Miracles! Miracles!

Unpleasant Dreams:(

So I had a dream the other night. I usually dream fuzzy dreams. You know, not very clear.

Out of the blue, I was holding a teeny baby boy, maybe like 1-2 pounds. I remember thinking that I was pretty sure that the baby wouldn’t make it. Gordon and I tried to keep him warm, but he was getting colder every second. We couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not…
All of a sudden, he turned blotchy purple and blue, and started struggling to breathe. I held him up to my neck. Through some kind of unspoken communication, told me that I needed to let him go, that I would have another one, and it would be ok.

Yet another opportunity to let go of control, and practice faith. Maybe the dream meant that I needed to let go of fear, and scarcity….
We all live with and are somewhat controlled by fear, right??? Any thoughts?

Missn’ My Baby Mamma…

It’s been about two weeks since I got my Baby Mamma fix… AAAhh!
I’m having serious withdrawls, but I want to respect the fact that she has her own life too.

She just told me that she might come up for a few hours…But that’s not enough.
Well, I’ll happily take what I can get..Maybe I can talk her into staying the night. After all, I know what she’s craving, right! HAHA

Pure Excitement!!!!/What A Blessing!

As I sat with the vision of having one baby, I became overwhelmed with gratitude. It was absolutely perfect!!! God knows what we can handle. My heart will do way better with only one baby to care for, I can include my daughter easier with one, and baby mamma will be more likely to carry the baby full-term and care for her twins easier. And we got one!!!

Plus, before we knew how many babies we would have, I had decided that it would be too stressful for me to try to nurse twins; mostly because I didn’t know if my heart could handle being up with twins all thru the nights. With nursing, it’s harder for the daddy to help take care of the baby.
Now that we were only having one baby, I was very excited to hopefully be able to nurse my baby and have that bonding time.

After the incredibly long, hard, invitro-surrogate process, we got pregnant! We’re going to have a baby!!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GOD!!! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!

WE AGAIN GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE ANOTHER MIRACLE OF GOD IN OUR LIVES!!!!!!!

What’s Going On???/The Crazys

Alice had to get back to her girls and I had to go to work, so we all left right after. It felt awkward to all of us. I felt like I was leaving my baby.

Gordon asked if he could take me to breakfast and talk about everything before I went to work. He could see that I needed to talk. He was so sensitive to my needs, and so sweet to listen to my crazy thoughts and feelings.

I couldn’t figure out why there was only one, and why I was even slightly disappointed about how many babies there were. Why couldn’t I just be thrilled that we were pregnant. A flood of guilt drenched me for having the thought. What was my problem??? I could have thought myself to death and Gordon knew it.

I was able to talk to him and get clarity about it.
Of course I wasn’t disappointed that there was only one. What a miracle in itself!!!
I found myself still stuck in the process, the detail, the work of it all. I couldn’t just BE with it. My disappointment came from doing all this unnatural, unpleasant, and painful stuff, trying to get her pregnant. I wanted a two for one deal, right?….. Once I realized how fucked up my thought process had been, I immediately got back into my heart and instantly became ecstatic that we were going to have another beautiful healthy baby. YAY!!!

Gordon insisted out of pure excitement, that he wanted to send out a mass text. “We’re going to have a baby!!!” What a gem!!!