Putting my blog on hold for a min.

I have been enjoying my new baby so much, and I’ve try to still find time for my beautiful daughter and wonderful husband, which has been challenging.

I need to put my blog on hold for a while, and I’ll have to catch up on it later.

Thanks for all your support on this. It has truly been an amazing journey!

Skin To Skin/Bonding Time

At my request, the nurses had previously set up some curtains to give Alice privacy while she was pushing, and Gordon & I privacy so we could do skin-to-skin with the baby.

Gordon was able to be present during most of the labor. During birth, while Alice was pushing, he was behind the curtains to give her privacy. He wasn’t able to be in the room when I had Destynee, so he never had a chance to see labor or experience the birth of a baby.
Alice allowed him to experience it thru his ears and emotions. He was overwhelmed with the whole experience. There was a very intense, beautiful feeling in the room, and he could feel it.

Here I came, holding our baby boy! He was perfect! A normal, healthy baby!!! Daddy and mommy were able to do skin-to-skin, and the staff left us alone with him for the most part. He was having a little struggle coughing and throwing-up some fluid that he had swallowed. After he got most of it up, I was able to nurse him. He latched right on!!! I couldn’t believe a brand-new baby already knew how to nurse. I felt so much joy!!! I got to have a very different experience with him, then I had had with Destynee.

A healthy, full-term, beautiful, baby boy!!! Thank you Alice, Thank you!!!

Overload of Emotions!

As my beautiful baby boy entered the world, I had a complete visual of a baby elephant. What??? He was enormous, 9.9lbs!!! His head came out, and then each limb came out, one at a time. Arm, arm…Leg, leg…. It was like he was too big to come out all at once. It was awesome!!! What a thrill!!
But poor baby mamma, ouch!!!

All at once, the tears I had been holding back for 30 hours, came pouring out. I felt euphoric and stunned all at the same time. I didn’t feel completely in my body. I was in shock!

I cut the cord, and they put him on baby mamma’s belly to clean him off. I had to get to Alice….. I wrapped my arms around her and we both cried our eyes out…. I was pretty hysterical!!! Emotional overload!!!!

The doctor immediately gave me my baby, and the nurse guided me to the chair. Waiting for me behind the curtains, was daddy, anxiously waiting to see his new baby boy!

Miracle Number Two!

After 30 hours of long, hard labor, my second miracle arrived! It’s a boy!!! Gordon Metallic, miracle number two!!!

After 28 hours, we were all exhausted, but nobody could complain. We knew that our exhaustion couldn’t touch the exhaustion, Alice, our wonderful baby mamma, felt….. And now it was time to push! She had given it all she had, and now had to give some more… WOW! She is so strong, and did such an amazing job.

It was torcher for me to watch her go thru all of it. I so badly wanted to take all the pain from her, and wished that I could trade her places. She was going thru all this for me, and I did not want her to have a bad experience. I tried to hold back the tears, and the guilt I felt for putting her thru this. Yet, I knew in my heart that she chose this experience, and I had to be okay with it.
There was nothing I could do to change it at this point; all I could do was help her thru it. Alice had her wonderful husband, our sister as a coach, our hypnobirthing instructor, my husband, and myself during her labor for support. We made an excellent team, but Alice made it all possible.

It was truly a beautiful experience, and I feel honored that she allowed me to be at the birth. I got to be a part of the birth of my second miracle, Gordon Metallic.

My Trusted OB Is Leaving!!!/Learning To Trust Again

We saw our OB doctor yesterday. He checked Alice to see how far she was dilated. He said, “Um.. I’ll give you a 1 if you want”. She’s maybe a 1 on dilation and not effaced at all! What? I thought she would at least be a 3…???

The important one, Baby mamma, said, “I won’t be surprised if I go over, I feel too good!”
Well, as long as she is comfortable and content, then I’m great waiting a little longer. Hopefully, she can stay comfortable until her and baby are ready.

Dr. Draper said he wouldn’t be surprised if she was still pregnant when he got back in town. He also told us that, being selfish, he really hoped that Alice would still be pregnant so he could be there.

Back in town!!! What the hell did that mean? Our OB, kindly let us know that he was going to be leaving out-of-town ON our due date, and wouldn’t be back for nine days. What the hell kind of timing is that!!

My mind started spinning in way too many directions. A lot could happen!…. I needed him there!!!
Having Dr. Draper at the delivery, was of the utmost importance to me!!! It is a MUST!!!

I tried to talk him out of going, but unfortunately, it was work related and he had to go. He reassured me that he would communicate to the OB team all the birth plan details, as well as the legalities of the unique surrogacy situation. He told me that the most important things, was for baby mamma and my baby to be safe, and that they would be under great care.

Nothing he said comforted me at all! I could not believe this was happening. Why is this such a big deal?? I felt frantic!!!

After we left, I was able to talk to Alice about it. She’s such an amazing support for me!
I realized that the desperate feelings of needing him there, was coming from my previous experience with my hysterectomy.
After my hysterectomy, I had a lot of thoughts about whether the doctors did everything they could to save my uterus.
Because I knew Dr. Draper, and I KNEW that he did everything he could to save it, those thoughts were alot less intense and didn’t have the power to completely drown me in my sorrows. I had a great relationship with him during my pregnancy with Destynee, and after that, he continued to be an important source of support for me.

I only had the hysterectomy experience to compare to this experience, and I felt scared that another doctor wouldn’t do everything they could to make this experience great.

Well, once again I could not control the situation and got another opportunity to put my trust in God. I knew that He would handle it, and asked that He would allow whatever was in the best interest for everyone involved to happen.

10 more days!!! Jeeze! I am so READY!!! On the other hand, that would mean Dr. Draper would be there, sweet!!! We’ve been working on this pregnancy since June `09, so what’s one more week or 10 days……We can do this!

Hypnobirth/Fears

Back to the surrogate pregnancy:
We started taking hypnobirthing classes. Although, Alice, my Baby Mamma, is open to and planning on having an epidural, she wanted to have tools to make the birth more amazing than ever. We are on our second week, and so far, it is phenomenal. Alice is excited to have the birth go so well. She is such a mellow, relaxed person anyway, that I don’t think she will have any problem pulling it off. Her husband, Dan, and I are loving that we will be able to know how to be there for her and support her.

On the other hand, it has brought up alot of shit for me to look at. All the old stories that I’ve tried so hard to get over and move on. Why can’t I experience something so amazing?, I’m such a defect. I have always wanted to experience a natural birth, and have my healthy, perfect baby be put skin to skin right after it’s born. To be able to lay with my baby in bed for 2 weeks, and just enjoy him as if nothing else matters in the world.

I keep wondering what I’m doing at the class. I feel so out of place. Two perfect couples,… and me……I had to remind myself that I was there for my surrogate mother and my baby.

It is sometimes so hard to think that it’s MY baby in there. I haven’t been able to talk to my baby, and some part of it still feels so awkward. It is ripping me apart inside to know that I don’t have the connection with this baby, that I had with Destynee. I am so afraid that he won’t know who his mommy is, or that he will be confused when he comes out, like maybe he’s being torn from who he thought was his mom, and put in the arms of a total stranger…

As the teacher talked about the importance of connecting to the baby at this stage, the fear became bigger and bigger. Without knowing how I was feeling, Dan looked at me and said, “I already had a talk with your baby, and he knows what’s up.” I wanted to cry, and am eternally grateful that I have such perfect support. Dan and Alice both are so in tune with me, and somehow always know exactly what to do or say to give me what I need.

The more we talk about the birth, the more I imagine that I may actually be able to experience second-hand thru Alice (a vaginal birth) and with my baby (skin-to-skin), some of what I missed out on with Destynee. Not to mention, the two weeks of bliss in bed WITH my baby. And nothing else will matter.

Timing Is Everything….

Do we tell this baby how he really got here? There is no way to know how he will take it, what will be the best time or the best way to tell him. What a unique life story to tell, will he see the miracle in his life, and love to brag about how special he is, or somehow feel less important or different? Will he think that he’s less than big sister because, “mommy didn’t carry me”? Will he somehow feel like we treat him different than Destynee? Do we keep it a secret, and let him assume that his own mom carried him? Secrets don’t last, then he may feel betrayed.
I never want to keep anything a secret….Especially something so miraculous! As children, we all make up stories in our heads about life and what it’s all about.

As Gordon and I discussed all the options, we decided, that first and formost, there would be no secrets, period! Second, that our child has every right to know what a miracle he is, and about the people who love him and made his life possible. It is his life, right? Not telling him would be denying God’s hand in his life. We decided that we are absolutely going to share that part of his life with him, after all, he choose his path.

I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot controll how he will choose to take it. As his parents, we will do everything we know to support him in having this be a great experience for him.

Now the only question is, when do we tell him, so that he will fully understand, without feeling overwelmed?

Any thoughts???

Overwhelming Gratitude

My little girl Destynee was possibly exposed to whooping cough, so we haven’t been able to go anywhere. I’ve been working a ton, so I really didn’t mind, but I’m missing my Baby Mamma. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve seen her:(

I noticed myself getting into the busy of life, and having fewer thoughts about the fact that WE’RE pregnant. It is the weirdest thing to forget that I’m going to have a baby. I feel like my baby is getting babysat far away, and for a really long time. But at the same time, I haven’t met my baby, and not sure if I’m going to meet him/her. It feels like a long dream, and I don’t know what to expect to find when I wake up……

I want to cry when I think that I might actually have another baby in a few months…. What did I do to deserve a God-sent miracle. I want to hug her to death when I see her (not literaly). I feel overwelmed with the gratitude and love I feel for her. By the time I see her, I’m so overwelmed with emotion that I can’t do much of anything, but contain it. I don’t know how to express it without scaring the shit out of her…..

Pure Excitement!!!!/What A Blessing!

As I sat with the vision of having one baby, I became overwhelmed with gratitude. It was absolutely perfect!!! God knows what we can handle. My heart will do way better with only one baby to care for, I can include my daughter easier with one, and baby mamma will be more likely to carry the baby full-term and care for her twins easier. And we got one!!!

Plus, before we knew how many babies we would have, I had decided that it would be too stressful for me to try to nurse twins; mostly because I didn’t know if my heart could handle being up with twins all thru the nights. With nursing, it’s harder for the daddy to help take care of the baby.
Now that we were only having one baby, I was very excited to hopefully be able to nurse my baby and have that bonding time.

After the incredibly long, hard, invitro-surrogate process, we got pregnant! We’re going to have a baby!!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, GOD!!! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!

WE AGAIN GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE ANOTHER MIRACLE OF GOD IN OUR LIVES!!!!!!!

What’s Going On???/The Crazys

Alice had to get back to her girls and I had to go to work, so we all left right after. It felt awkward to all of us. I felt like I was leaving my baby.

Gordon asked if he could take me to breakfast and talk about everything before I went to work. He could see that I needed to talk. He was so sensitive to my needs, and so sweet to listen to my crazy thoughts and feelings.

I couldn’t figure out why there was only one, and why I was even slightly disappointed about how many babies there were. Why couldn’t I just be thrilled that we were pregnant. A flood of guilt drenched me for having the thought. What was my problem??? I could have thought myself to death and Gordon knew it.

I was able to talk to him and get clarity about it.
Of course I wasn’t disappointed that there was only one. What a miracle in itself!!!
I found myself still stuck in the process, the detail, the work of it all. I couldn’t just BE with it. My disappointment came from doing all this unnatural, unpleasant, and painful stuff, trying to get her pregnant. I wanted a two for one deal, right?….. Once I realized how fucked up my thought process had been, I immediately got back into my heart and instantly became ecstatic that we were going to have another beautiful healthy baby. YAY!!!

Gordon insisted out of pure excitement, that he wanted to send out a mass text. “We’re going to have a baby!!!” What a gem!!!