Small Quantities of Joy

Although I tried to accept the reality of it all, I continued to be consumed in the darkness that haunted me. I didn’t feel like myself, and I didn’t know how to get me back….

My sweet baby girl brought me alot of joy. I was so grateful to have her. I thought about how it would feel to experience the loss empty-handed, without any children at all…The moment I allowed myself to be lit up by Destynee’s presence and love, I was tragically reminded of how I ruined her life as well. I couldn’t seem to stay on top.

My loving, supportive husband stood by my side like a strong anchor. He continued to reassure me with what I did give our family and all the things I sacrificed to get Destynee here. He never once mention anything negative that had come from it. He always told me how grateful he was that we were both alive and here with him.

Advertisements

The Traggic Loss/Hysterectomy

After about 8 hours, I was stable enough for Gordon to see me. He said he just sat by my side, watching me sleep. I woke up almost 16 hours later. I only remember bits and pieces of the next few days. Gordon, Dr. Draper, and my mom were standing around me. As Gordon grabbed my hand, I felt his warmness and strength. I remember thinking that he was going to have my baby there for me…..He waited until he could see that he had my full attention; I was in and out of it.

He looked deep into my eyes, and I could see the tragedy inside him. As he told me what had happened, I felt myself sink deep into an indescribable darkness. I wanted to go back to sleep, was very foggy, and hoped it was all a dream. I don’t remember showing much emotion, as I was numbed with pain.

Dr. Draper told Gordon he admired him for having the courage to tell me. He said that most men ask him to do it. Gordon said, he thought I might take it better from him. I could see that both of them wanted desperately to be there for me.