Waiting, Waiting, Waiting………..

Alice was still nursing her twin girls, and made it clear that she didn’t know how much longer she wanted to nurse them. She had waited 10 years for those girls and didn’t want to rush anything. She told us she would let us know when she was ready to start the surrogate process. I admired her for making sure every step worked for her, and was timed just right.

I continually wondered if we made the right decision, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that, in a few months, we may be in the middle of a surrogate experience. I didn’t know what that looked like, and it was exciting and terrifying all at the same time!

The Crazys came back to visit me, but this time with much less intensity. I started obsessing over details. I wanted to have started the process already and her be pregnant already…I was worried that Destynee would be too old to really connect with the baby, and that they wouldn’t be friends when they were older. I kept asking Gordon, “when is she going to be ready? It’s driving me crazy waiting”. I thought that she would wait too long and then want to be pregnant with her own baby. I was obsessively waiting for something I didn’t think would happen anyway………..

I wanted to abort the whole thing, and we hadn’t even started. I felt it was the only way to return to my happy life with my perfect little family. I was loosing myself again, and I didn’t know how to stop………

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Moments of Acceptance

As time went on, I slowly began to accept pieces of the reality. Everything happens for a reason, right? I started trying to discover why it had happened, in hopes that I could accept it on a deeper level. The process was gruelling and impossible to explain. I would love to feel that anybody could relate to me. Anybody???

Gordon and I discussed other options, like adoption, surrogacy, maybe caring for an unwanted baby of somebody we knew, and then the hardest to accept, the fact that maybe we weren’t suppose to have any more children.

I was determined to learn how to accept this, but I had no idea how to go about it….