Waiting, Waiting, Waiting………..

Alice was still nursing her twin girls, and made it clear that she didn’t know how much longer she wanted to nurse them. She had waited 10 years for those girls and didn’t want to rush anything. She told us she would let us know when she was ready to start the surrogate process. I admired her for making sure every step worked for her, and was timed just right.

I continually wondered if we made the right decision, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that, in a few months, we may be in the middle of a surrogate experience. I didn’t know what that looked like, and it was exciting and terrifying all at the same time!

The Crazys came back to visit me, but this time with much less intensity. I started obsessing over details. I wanted to have started the process already and her be pregnant already…I was worried that Destynee would be too old to really connect with the baby, and that they wouldn’t be friends when they were older. I kept asking Gordon, “when is she going to be ready? It’s driving me crazy waiting”. I thought that she would wait too long and then want to be pregnant with her own baby. I was obsessively waiting for something I didn’t think would happen anyway………..

I wanted to abort the whole thing, and we hadn’t even started. I felt it was the only way to return to my happy life with my perfect little family. I was loosing myself again, and I didn’t know how to stop………

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The Possibility of Surrogacy/The Beginning

I had settled into the reality of Destynee being our only child. I became less and less affected by my surroundings relating to pregnancy and babies. Although, I would gladly welcome another baby/child, I was very content with what I had.

In the mean time, I had a few people tell me that they would love to have a baby for me, but for whatever reason, it wouldn’t work in their life or they didn’t know if they really could. I felt their love in the gesture, but it was like a closed wound that would re-open each time it was mentioned. The more they talked about how awesome it would be, “IF IT COULD HAPPEN”, and I knew it wasn’t going to, it was as if lemon and salt were being poured into the wound.

My sister, Alice, came to me about 2 years after my hysterectomy, and told me she wanted to be my Surrogate Mother. I could see the seriousness in her eyes, that I had not seen before. It scared the living shit out of me. I told her that she didn’t know what she was talking about, that she needed to think about it in every detail for at least a year, and then maybe we could talk about it…..She probably thought I was a lunatic!!!
And maybe I was???? I wasn’t about to get my hopes up……I was terrified to go back to that obsessive, consuming, dark place again. I was happy right where I was!

She looked at me very understanding and intently, and said, “ok, I will”.