Tal’s First Night/Nursery

After a few hours of our sweet baby’s birth, we were all moved to a room on the postpartum unit. Both Alice and I wanted to stay together as much as possible. The five of us (Dan, Alice, Gordon, me, and baby) stayed together and received visitors, according to how Alice was feeling. Of course we were all on a high, and visitors were welcome.

I wanted to give Alice and Dan the room to themselves for the night, so they could get some good sleep. The staff set Gordon and I up in a room. The room was not set up for patients; it didn’t have any heat or call lights, so Gordon and I took turns thru the night in the nursery with the baby. Whoever was not with the baby in the nursery got a few hours of sleep.

Metallic was having a little trouble with the extra fluid he had swallowed, so we didn’t feel comfortable just leaving him in the nursery. He seemed to choke easy. We wanted to be able to be right there for him, because we were having to suction out his mouth quite frequently.

Plus, I didn’t want to leave him at all, but it was nice to have daddy there with him so I could get some rest.

Postpartum/Depression

Before I was discharged, Dr. Draper sat my husband and I down. He explained, that after everything I had been thru, I had a 96% chance of having severe depression, not just postpartum depression. He gave us specific signs to watch for, and instructed Gordon to watch me very closely. When someone goes into depression that fast, they can’t tell that they are acting or being any different, so it’s important that someone who knows them really well, be aware of subtle signs.

I was cautious and aware of my thoughts and actions. Once a week, a very special social worker would come to the NICU, and talk to me about how I was coping with everything. I was determined to stay in good health for my new baby and my husband. I talked to her about everything, I mean everything…As the weeks went on, I felt less and less okay….

I would spend several days constantly crying. It didn’t matter what I was doing or who I was with, I would cry from the time I woke up, to the time I went to bed. Half the time, I couldn’t even figure out what the hell I was crying about…It was exhausting beyond belief!

I had been in the hospital for three months, still had a baby in the NICU, lost the dream of ever having more children, and recovering from an intense surgery. I felt like I lost my womanhood. I wasn’t sure who I was, and I was very sure that I was crazy…

I often wondered if I was really a mother, if she was MY baby, and what I was still doing there…..I had decided that Gordon deserved a real woman, one who could have more children for him and build his family. I decided that the best thing for them, was me leaving so Gordon could find someone better….I knew that I would have to leave my whole family and never come back…I contemplated it for several days. Inside, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but more times than not, my right was overruled by the crazys….There was a few days, that I would drive past the hospital. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I was going. Several miles past the hospital, I was redirected by God. I was confused as to what I was doing, but my better self knew that my family needed me. My sweet angel still in the NICU; I couldn’t leave her NOW….

When I was having a good day, I knew it was important to tell the social worker and Gordon the thoughts I was having and the actions I had followed through with. The social worker told me that she was actually relieved to know what I was thinking. She said it was a good sign, so I kept telling them. Gordon, on the other hand, was more freaked-out than ever.