The Crazys/Adjusting & Grieving

Destynee was severely colicky, had acid reflux, still on oxygen (which she hated), and had a very hard time sleeping. I didn’t get to recover in bed with my baby for two weeks, like most moms. I was busy traveling back and forth to the hospital while she was still in. Because of the antibiotics I was on, I threw-up for a month. I didn’t sleep for weeks. While she was in the hospital, I was pumping my nipples inside out every two hours trying to get any milk I could, and when we were home, she cried most nights from the colic. The damn oxygen alarm would go off every time she moved when she was asleep. To put it simply, I still had the crazys.

I was so worried that my baby would have to go back to the hospital and be taken away from me again. It was also around RSV season, so I struggled letting almost anybody hold her. I was a basket-case. I didn’t know how to be a new mother, deal with the crazys, and grieve my loss at the same time. I still struggled with the thoughts of leaving Gordon, so he could find someone better. He reminded me that leaving was not the answer and would not fix anything. He continued to support me in ways that cannot be measured.

I can’t begin to explain how I felt about myself and my life. I didn’t feel like a woman, but I certainly didn’t feel like a man. I didn’t know who or what I was…..My whole life I had wanted only one thing, a big family. I couldn’t see past that. That is all I have ever known…My family and siblings are where my friends and support came from…. And now I could never give my precious angel, Destynee, one of the most important gifts in my life (siblings). I could not see or even dream of my future…. Or Gordon and Destynee’s……I shattered my whole family’s hopes and dreams. I took it all away….I was the defect. It was the biggest burden I had ever experienced. I felt responsible for ruining their lives.

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