My Trusted OB Is Leaving!!!/Learning To Trust Again

We saw our OB doctor yesterday. He checked Alice to see how far she was dilated. He said, “Um.. I’ll give you a 1 if you want”. She’s maybe a 1 on dilation and not effaced at all! What? I thought she would at least be a 3…???

The important one, Baby mamma, said, “I won’t be surprised if I go over, I feel too good!”
Well, as long as she is comfortable and content, then I’m great waiting a little longer. Hopefully, she can stay comfortable until her and baby are ready.

Dr. Draper said he wouldn’t be surprised if she was still pregnant when he got back in town. He also told us that, being selfish, he really hoped that Alice would still be pregnant so he could be there.

Back in town!!! What the hell did that mean? Our OB, kindly let us know that he was going to be leaving out-of-town ON our due date, and wouldn’t be back for nine days. What the hell kind of timing is that!!

My mind started spinning in way too many directions. A lot could happen!…. I needed him there!!!
Having Dr. Draper at the delivery, was of the utmost importance to me!!! It is a MUST!!!

I tried to talk him out of going, but unfortunately, it was work related and he had to go. He reassured me that he would communicate to the OB team all the birth plan details, as well as the legalities of the unique surrogacy situation. He told me that the most important things, was for baby mamma and my baby to be safe, and that they would be under great care.

Nothing he said comforted me at all! I could not believe this was happening. Why is this such a big deal?? I felt frantic!!!

After we left, I was able to talk to Alice about it. She’s such an amazing support for me!
I realized that the desperate feelings of needing him there, was coming from my previous experience with my hysterectomy.
After my hysterectomy, I had a lot of thoughts about whether the doctors did everything they could to save my uterus.
Because I knew Dr. Draper, and I KNEW that he did everything he could to save it, those thoughts were alot less intense and didn’t have the power to completely drown me in my sorrows. I had a great relationship with him during my pregnancy with Destynee, and after that, he continued to be an important source of support for me.

I only had the hysterectomy experience to compare to this experience, and I felt scared that another doctor wouldn’t do everything they could to make this experience great.

Well, once again I could not control the situation and got another opportunity to put my trust in God. I knew that He would handle it, and asked that He would allow whatever was in the best interest for everyone involved to happen.

10 more days!!! Jeeze! I am so READY!!! On the other hand, that would mean Dr. Draper would be there, sweet!!! We’ve been working on this pregnancy since June `09, so what’s one more week or 10 days……We can do this!

3-D Video of Baby/21-27 Weeks

I wanted to get back into my experience with Destynee’s pregnancy, while this pregnancy is mellow and going so calm. Here is another 3-D video of a baby from 21-27 Weeks. We are almost 23 weeks now!!! SWEET!!!

Enjoy……

http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-weeks-21-to-27_10312242.bc

1 0f 3 Stories/Transitioning

I started this blog after we were pregnant with our surrogate baby, so I started in the middle of the surrogate pregnancy. I’ve been blogging back and forth about current experiences with the surrogate pregnancy, Destynee’s pregnancy, the hysterectomy, and now going into the beginning of the surrogate experience.

Trying to get the whole story from the beginning, has been challenging and probably confusing to read. However, I think that the three stories are all connected and a necessary part of this experience. Please bear with me.

I jumble through each story; which is why I have categories. At this point, I just finished up with Destynee’s pregnancy and the hysterectomy. I am now starting the beginning of the surrogate process and how it all came about.

Please ask questions or suggest how I can make it easier and better to read. Thanks, Lovz to all, Jessica

Back to Reality…/17 Weeks and Counting…

I’ve gotten lost in my experience of Destynee’s pregnancy. It has been very theraputic for me. I’ve had to take every part of my being back to those experiences. I couldn’t believe how much of it, I chose to forget. It was just too painful….

Looking back has given me a completely different perpective on it. I am getting to observe, as a learner, rather than being so stuck in it, to get much of anything out of the experience.

We are now 17 weeks pregnant, and Alice is just getting over morning sickness. She says is hasn’t been too bad, but everyone knows it’s not ever fun. She always has such a great attitude about everything.

The Conclusion Around Destynee’s Pregnancy

18 Months So innocent!
2 Years Old What a DOLL!

As the months went by, I became more and more at peace with what life had to offer me. Of course, I had my bad days, but they became more rare and with less intensity each time. I stopped living in the past and future, and started living right here in the present! My heart is full of tremendous happiness with my more than amazing husband, Gordon, and my piece of heaven on earth, Destynee Noel. She has and will continue to teach me all that I need to learn from her. I believe our children have much more to teach us then we could ever imagine teaching them. We just need to listen and be willing to learn from them.
2 1/2 Years Old Destynee & Mommy!
3 Years Old The Love of Our Lives!!!

Ah-ha Moment/A Refreshing Ray of Light

I have a few friends and family that were able to help me realize some very important concepts for me to accept my new life and how to make the best of it.

I had one of those ah-ha moments, that gave me access to the key that could unlock all the possibilities of my new life. I realized all the miracles I was missing. I would like to share how it came about.
Destynee was about nine months old, and had an eye infection that wouldn’t go away. I had her on antibiotics, and changed her pillowcase everyday. I thought that maybe the cause wasn’t being addressed, so I decided to look at the emotional aspect of it. I was discussing it with my Aunt Bonnie. She told me that a bacterial eye infection represented fear of not wanting to look at something.
As I explained my struggle to fully accept Destynee being my only child, she intuitively suggested to me, that my longing for a “baby”, while I already had a baby, confused Destynee. I was continually focused on how to get my next baby, which made her wonder why (or fear that) she wasn’t good enough. She WAS my baby!!!

It broke my heart, when I realized the impact my struggle had on her…..

Aunt Bonnie saying that to me, was like a lightning bolt zapping my brain back to normal….It pulled me out of the gray funk I had been in since my daughter was born….It felt like the last missing piece to my puzzle. It was the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment, and I was ready to hear it.

I realized that I had been missing Destynee’s life and everything that came with it. I was missing all the joys of being a mother, the innocence of my miracle baby, the experience of everything I had been waiting for…I wanted desperately to take back those nine months and do it over again.

For once, I was able to focus on the positive side. I didn’t want to dwell on the past and how I hadn’t been there for her. I had been experiencing that for way too long.

As I looked down at my beautiful daughter, who was teaching me so much and waiting so patiently for me to get it, I was overcome by the pure Love of Christ…. I saw the possibilities of how I was NOW going to enjoy life with my baby. If she was my only child, then I was going to make it a damn good experience for both of us. I felt like a new mother…Like now I knew what I was doing and how I wanted it to look.

From that moment on, I focused on what I had and how grateful I was for it. I was literally able to remove the idea of having more children from my mind. That obsession would haunt me no longer…….PHEWWWWW!

Moments of Acceptance

As time went on, I slowly began to accept pieces of the reality. Everything happens for a reason, right? I started trying to discover why it had happened, in hopes that I could accept it on a deeper level. The process was gruelling and impossible to explain. I would love to feel that anybody could relate to me. Anybody???

Gordon and I discussed other options, like adoption, surrogacy, maybe caring for an unwanted baby of somebody we knew, and then the hardest to accept, the fact that maybe we weren’t suppose to have any more children.

I was determined to learn how to accept this, but I had no idea how to go about it….

Small Quantities of Joy

Although I tried to accept the reality of it all, I continued to be consumed in the darkness that haunted me. I didn’t feel like myself, and I didn’t know how to get me back….

My sweet baby girl brought me alot of joy. I was so grateful to have her. I thought about how it would feel to experience the loss empty-handed, without any children at all…The moment I allowed myself to be lit up by Destynee’s presence and love, I was tragically reminded of how I ruined her life as well. I couldn’t seem to stay on top.

My loving, supportive husband stood by my side like a strong anchor. He continued to reassure me with what I did give our family and all the things I sacrificed to get Destynee here. He never once mention anything negative that had come from it. He always told me how grateful he was that we were both alive and here with him.

Coping/Grieving/Hysterectomy

The first several months of my baby’s life, I was consumed by the grief from the hysterectomy and how I was possibly going to have more children.

There are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance. I went through all of them, and through them and then through them again. It was very difficult, because more than not, I didn’t know what I was going through, I just knew I was struggling.

I told Gordon, “maybe I still have my uterus since I don’t remember them taking it out. Lets see if we can get pregnant. I’m sure I can.”. I struggled with the reality of it.

I was very angry with myself (like I felt responsible for what happened), and with God (that He could take something so special and important to me). I was put to sleep to have a baby, and woke up with my world turned upside down. I never got a choice in the matter. It was not fair, and it didn’t make sense to me.

I had a very hard time being around pregnant women. I would stare and get lost in what I could never experience again…..I found myself bargaining with God, “If I could only change what happened, I would do anything”. I couldn’t make sense of it, because so much happened while I was unconscious. I tried to figure out what I could have done differently.

All I heard from expecting mothers was, “I look so fat” or “this baby is kicking me, it’s so uncomfortable”. Everytime I turned around, I was hearing negative things said about something so beautiful and wonderful. I couldn’t stand it!!!

I knew nobody could fully understand what I was going thru, so it was hard to talk to anybody about it. When I did talk about it, people would say things (trying to help), and completely trigger me. I couldn’t believe the things (called advice), that they were giving me. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, about anything!

I felt completely alone…..

Destynee Overcoming Great Obstacles

Over the next few months, things started to settle down a bit. Destynee was off oxygen when she was 3 months, and after five months, she got over her colic and reflux for the most part and started sleeping better. We had an occupational therapist come work with her once a month to monitor and assist with her development. The doctors still didn’t know the effects of not having enough amniotic fluid, and were still unclear as to if she would walk. She progressed normally, infact, she was a little ahead of schedule compared to a full-term baby. She had overcome the complications that she was born with, and was a healthy baby.

She became a very happy baby, and we were able to fully enjoy her. She is the light of our lives and the little piece of heaven that we strived to get. I wonder what we ever did with our lives before she came. I can’t imagine life without her.
Gordon is the most amazing daddy anybody could ask for. We both adore her, and she knows she has us both wrapped around her little fingers.